To Be or Not To Be: 'Tis NOT the Question!

However, I hear this question coming from adult clients when we first begin our work together.  They ask, with understandable consternation and pain, "I just don't know!  What am I supposed to BE?!"

We are groomed from an early age to ask ourselves this question.  We take the cue from well- meaning teachers, parents, friends of parents, and grandparents who asked us, "So, honey, what do you want to be when you grow up?"  And the answer usually runs the gamut:  firefighter, lawyer, doctor, farmer, (that is what my 5 year old says she's going to be when she grows up- and no, I didn't even ask her!) And while it certainly is charming and interesting to hear what little ones say they want to be when they get older, the question becomes more of a hindrance as children mature into young adults.

I first thought I wanted to be a lawyer.  I saw myself defending people who suffered injustices at the hands of ummm... bad people.  Even though I intellectually knew TV wasn't real life, especially when it came to the legal profession, I will admit now that I fell hook, line and sinker for the dramatic savior image of the attorneys I saw on television and read about in history books.

So in college I studied and actually enjoyed political science, considered the pre-law track at my school.  However, during my senior year I observed a couple of first year law classes and found myself very very bored.  I knew then that law just couldn't be for me because I would just die from boredom if I took even one of those classes. (Did I mention I eventually went into The Theatah?) The lectures were much less theoretical than my liberal arts political science classes and much more practical and detailed.  Even their constitutional law class, which is on the most theoretical end of the legal scale, was too concrete for me.  I loved the creativity and open-endedness that came with theory. 

So why had I waited until senior year of college to investigate law school, the most basic aspect of becoming a lawyer?  Not to mention shadowing a lawyer or interning in a law office? (Duh??) Because I was so caught up in the very general and broad image of being a lawyer, I never thought to ask myself what a lawyer really does all day!  Even in the most justice oriented, intuitive end of law such as civil rights litigation there is a lot of very non-glamorous, detailed, read- through- mountains- of-dry- documents days.  I should have been thinking less about the drama of Gregory Peck's court scenes in To Kill A Mockingbird and more about the dense content and sometimes minutiae of typical legal disputes. 

Doing v. Being


Many of us seem to spend so much more energy trying to BE something than looking more deeply at what we DO naturally.  Moreover, many people, especially those who find themselves in a career that is a complete mismatch for their personality and sensibility (70% of the U.S. population according to Gallup polls), never learned to ask themselves more specific, useful questions.  No one ever asked them, and therefore they didn't ask themselves,"What do you want your day to look like?" or "How much time do you want to spend at a desk?  Outside?  Working on a team? On your own?"

General Adjectives v. Specific Verbs

The best example of asking yourself specific versus general questions can be found in the craft of acting, specifically in scene study.  In professional acting, good actors never use any derivative of  the infinitve, "to be."  During any given scene an actor cannot get what he/she wants just by being anything.  An example of bad acting is this:  "I am angry therefore... I am really angry... therefore... I'LL JUST YELL ALL OF MY LINES REALLY LOUDLY AND BE REALLY ANGRY!"  Not very watchable, huh?  Conversely, compelling, successful acting is all about VERBS.  For example, a good actor might have the inner monologue of "I have sheer rage boiling inside of me and I will explode when [acting partner] provokes me with a certain line.

In the above example, to "explode" is much more specific than "being angry," and therefore much more effective.  Likewise, constantly asking yourself the question, "What do I want to BE when I grow up?" lacks the same effectiveness.  It might be helpful to think of it this way:  

Job Titles = Limited Information 

A good career coach, like a good actor, sees career design in terms of verbs, not career titles.  I give my clients specific (and often fun!) homework that eventually seeks to answer such questions as, "what do I want to do, as in read or write, draw, teach, build, create, organize, discover, perform, etc. every day? What activities make me lose track of time?" And, most importantly, "What verbs do I  prolifically and skillfully do everyday (like counsel or advise or help or manage or listen) without even trying?"  Those are the ones you want to shoot for.

I wish I'd known in my youth what I know today about being specific with self-knowledge.  It would have saved me a lot of time, money and angst.  But I now use that difficult journey to help others avoid the "being" trap.  I coach.  

Now there's a great verb.

Rose Trellises and Mental Fire Drills

The rose season has officially arrived here in Growing Zone 7... or is it 8?  I have no idea.

I'm merely aware that here in Virginia those delicately layered blossoms have prolifically popped up in lawns and terraces everywhere.  I'm not only bewitched by the fragrances roses emit, but by the sheer beauty that comes from a bud that explodes into soft layers of exquisite color.

So how can these little beauties cause anyone any angst?  Especially me, a roseophile?  (I just made that word up, so save yourself the time and don't even bother looking it up on your iPhone App.)  I can just say this:  I have the amazing ability to make ANYTHING a fire drill in my head, even flower growing.

You see, my climbing rose was climbing so well that I thought, "Gosh, I need another trellis for all of these new branches!  And I need to get one before all of the pretty roses die!"  So onto my crowded TO DO list I crammed,

"Find White Rose Trellis!"  

Only, there weren't any white rose trellises the exact size and color and shape as my current trellis in the entire Alexandria, VA vicinity.  I know this because I believe I combed the entire Alexandria, VA vicinity looking for one.  (By the way, that's a lot of nurseries and hardware stores, in case you've never been here.)

Now, this hunting and gathering exercise might be a fun task for someone who has time on their hands (let me know if you know someone like that because I don't) but I myself am like many of you and have a job to do and a family to take care of and a million projects to complete.  So this endeavor became yet another crazy must-do in my mind.  And, of course, like many of my mental fire drills, it proved an utter waste of time and energy.  

Turns out that I didn't even need another trellis!  I actually stopped what I was doing one day and stepped back and took a really good look at my rose bush.  I went and got some twine from the garage and strategically tied the drooping stems onto the trellis already in place.  I cut off some wayward, heavy stems that couldn't really be attached and made a bouquet of freshly cut roses for my kitchen.  It probably took me 10 minutes and I really enjoyed myself.

I think these useless, self-inflicted mental fire drills happen not only to me but to many people.  We think we need to solve a problem by taking the most convoluted, time-consuming approach, when actually what we need to do is tell our mind to shut up!  We need to stop, step back from what we're doing, and think of a logical, simple solution.  But without stopping, we keep seeing all of the fires that need to be put out instead of the easy fixes that are within our reach.  

I hear so many wonderful personal growth stories from people who have been forced to take a step back and smell the roses.  (You knew I just had to say it...)  Whether it's something great like starting a family or taking a sabatical, or painful like being diagnosed with a chronic illness or losing a job or a loved one, stopping the train from running a hundred miles an hour and getting off track can actually provide a much needed shift in perspective.

How about this, try creating a situation for yourself that will stop the mental train from running.  Try being in this peaceful state long enough to let the mind breathe and just be.  Listen.  Run.  Walk.  Meditate.  Bake.  Sing.  Make mud pies.  Or, for heaven's sake, smell some blasted roses.  Do whatever you can to stop the brain from constantly finding and putting out fires.  It may be the only way you can actually discover what you really need to do next.

Now, if you need me, I will be outside admiring my roses.   And trying not to notice any weeds.

A Wonderful Thought

One of my readers has written a beautiful, inspirational sentiment that I just have to share with you:

"And the day came when to stay tight in the cocoon was more painful than the risk it took to crawl out and fly."

--Lisa Leistner Hammack   

Isn't that lovely?  That statement really captures what embarking on a new path entails.  Thank you, Lisa, for sharing your insight. --Katie

The Last Resort to Career Change: Going Back to School

It should be the last resort?!
What??? You may say, isn't that the first step?  Learning??

Yes.  But there are other ways to learn a new trade than by going back to school.  But that very expensive and time consuming step is the first thing many people take.  I highly suspect that advertisement is to blame, along with a hefty dose of fear.  Think about how inundated we are with continuing education ads.  It's important to remember that higher education institutions are businesses, and businesses need to make money to survive.  College marketers direct their efforts toward individuals confused about what they want to do, which mostly includes high school students, college students, people in their 20's, 30's, 40's,  50's and 60's as well as anyone on Facebook, Twitter, or the internet in general.  So I believe that covers... pretty much everybody.   I'd consider that a very expansive target audience, wouldn't you?

The fear comes from our inborn need to feel as smart and knowledgeable as the next guy.  It's all about the credentials! We feel a need to prove ourselves to colleagues that we are qualified to do our job.  But let's face it, our inborn talents can go a lot farther than any degree can provide.  For example, you may go back for an M.B.A., but unless you have the appropriate aptitudes for a given job or, most importantly the interest, you are not going to thrive in that position or find fulfillment stretching yourself beyond your abilities.  Sure, many want ads include "degrees preferred" in their descriptions;  however, want ads are not the only way to get into an organization.  Referrals are a crucial way to sidestep the gatekeeper at human resources who doesn't know you very well.

While I am a huge proponent of education's invaluable aim to further knowledge (I absolutely love learning), I know from the career trenches that going back to school (or even starting too soon as a recent high school graduate) can create a diversion to answering the tough but important questions of what makes a person tick. 


Many people look to continuing education as a means of delaying the career decision making process. 

In the time it takes to find schools with desired degrees and apply to those schools, they could be focusing more of their energy on looking at:

a) what they really want to do and are capable of doing by taking career assessments and
b) all of the alternate ways to get to where they want to go.

One alternative to going back to school is to partner up with another expert, someone who can complement your own expertise and experience.  For example, let's say you like the subject of drama and also enjoy helping people.  The natural solution is to combine the two and get a degree in drama therapy, right?  Well, yes and no.  While that might be a good option for some people it's not the only possibility. If you have a B.F.A  or M.F.A. degree and/or solid theatre experience you might try partnering up with a clinical psychologist or licensed therapist and offer workshops using some tools from drama therapy.  Of course, you would have to make sure you were above board in your collaborative work, but that is where a good clinician would have knowledge of regulations and ethics.   And while you may not enjoy being a drama therapist per se, you might enjoy using drama and therapy as tools in your career.  These are the important distinctions to figure out before embarking on a degree.

On the other hand, if you were to shadow a drama therapist and take the necessary assessments to find that it's really what you want and would be good at, then go for the drama therapy degree!  In the three years+ it will take you to obtain that degree and certification, you will want to take advantage of every ounce of confidence that it's the right fit for you.  Otherwise, those three years may either prove a waste of time and money or, at the very least, provide a lot of agony and confusion instead of an enjoyment and fascination with learning.

My bottom line to learning in an academic institute: enroll with as much self-knowledge and direction as possible.  Naturally, your goals and vision may evolve while you are there, but you will start with a strong foundation to build upon.