Clashing.. Lots of Clashing

When it comes to weather reports, springtime packs in some real doozies.

A bit of a weather.com junkie, I happened upon the following text a few weeks ago:

"Air masses clash as spring tries to take control while winter does its best to fend off spring's advances. It's that clash of air masses which lead to the development of storm systems across the country.  What is the result?  A little bit of winter (snow) and a little bit of spring (thunderstorms)."

Kinda cool, huh? 

Well, if you don't think it's cool, you are not allowed to be in the weather.com junkie club.

(Note: I'm sure this exclusion causes you much angst and consternation.)

Clashes happen all around us.  At work, at home, at school....  I really like the word, "clash," I suppose,  not only because it sounds utterly dramatic, it's also quite versatile.  It can indicate a fight between two or more individuals, a weather system collision or, in the context of clothing AND weather, outfits that clash louder than thunder.  For example, you should have seen the get-ups my little sister used to wear.  Talk about doozies!  She was lucky we were in the 70's, when self-expression was en vogue.

I've found that working identities, or non-working, as the case may be, can clash as well.  They often resemble the push pull of the weather:  an old career identity tries hard to prevent the new identity from coming in.  It doesn't want to disappear, as well it shouldn't.  After all, an identity is all about being itself and not someone or something else.

During my lifetime I have survived many identity clashes.  Below I describe the good, the bad, and the downright ugly:


1.  Corporate Identity

When I was in my early 20's, the need to live up to other peoples' expectations still dictated many of my decisions.  I had to make my family proud, show my friends my worth, both financially and as a competent human being.  I had to show everyone how strong and capable I was by going after whatever I felt was worth having.  I took the most ambitious, well-paid corporate job I could get right out of college.  I didn't know who I was or what I wanted or what I was really good at doing, but at least someone had given me an identity to hang on to, in the form of a job title and a paycheck.

As the years went by I began to realize that my corporate identity was essentially a hat that I was trying to wear for my portrayal of "a successful business woman."  (Sounds like a bit part in a movie, doesn't it?)  Oh, and I also figured out that no one but me truly cared what I did for a career.  I was the one spending 60 hours a week doing something that didn't engage me at all, not my parents, not my friends, not anyone I'd tried to impress in the first place.

With a new found freedom from societal expectations, I thought I'd go completely 360 and try doing something I knew would engage me more than the corporate world:  the theatre.  I'd always acted on the side, so, with my student loans paid off, I decided to give the exciting world of performing art a try.

2.  Artistic Identity 

Once I got out of the business world and into the artistic world I realized that I was starting from scratch.  Yes, the environment was more up my alley;  however, I had no prior acting experience other than community theatre.  So here I was, someone who used to earn a lot of money and respect, now answering phones at a small theatre company in the middle of nowhere.  (And did I mention that I commuted over an hour each way to do this job?)  My identity here was definitely in-the-making:  I wasn't even considered a professional actress yet, just a receptionist who was trying to crack the acting market, figuring out how the acting scene worked.

A couple of years later I reached my coveted professional actor status, and therefore grew into a new working identity.  Still, I had to go back and forth between performing at top theatres at night and on the weekends while answering phones and filing during the day.  At least some of the time I felt true to my working identity.

3. Maternal Identity

I struggled harder with this identity clash even more than going from #1 to #2.  I loved my newborn baby and being her mommy, but I really didn't like (and I actually still don't) being called "a mom."  All of a sudden people would come up to me and say, "Hey there, Mom!  Looks like you've got your hands full there," or "Ewww, Mom, smells like a diaper needs to be changed."

I began to think, "Hmmm... just a few weeks ago I believe I was a human being with a name."

Furthermore, I realized, for the first time, that I could not say that I did anything.  I didn't want to go back to acting because it wasn't conducive to having a newborn baby.  I had no idea what I was going to do except be a mom:  change diapers and whatever else new moms did.  I was just... me.  And what the heck did that mean?  The clashing titans were two polar opposite identities:  the actress me and the just-another-mom me.

If I'd had a stronger sense of self I don't think the "mom calling" would've really bothered me.  In fact, now that I have a much clearer understanding of my strengths, a career path I enjoy (see #4) and, in turn, a stronger identity, I don't even notice when someone says "mom."  This comfort level can be attributed to the fact that time has allowed me to grow into this new identity;  however, having a nice variety of professional and personal goals largely contributes to my mental health.


4.  Professional/Personal Identity or Coming Full Circle

Although I can't say it's been devoid of doubt, growing pains and fear, having my own business while simultaneously taking care of two little ones has felt very natural and fulfilling.  Sure, I feel torn some times, but overall I couldn't ask for a better situation:  I have my own schedule, I love what I do, I can spend time with my children, husband and friends, and I can grow my business as slowly or as quickly as I'd like.  My life and my career complement each other, and I generally find a lot of overlap socially, which is immensely satisfying to me.

Furthermore, I have come full circle, meaning that I am using all of the experiences along my journey ( #'s 1-3.)  For my coaching practice, I use the business training and skills acquired in the corporate world along with the creative process I honed during my artistic life.  I use my experience with past career frustration to help others.  And, being the lifelong learner that I am, I am always educating myself both formally and on my own.

As for my child-rearing practice?  For that I get out the big guns: negotiating techniques from my sales and account management days and mindfulness meditation from my acting training.  And if those techniques fail, give me a margarita with salt.  Then I don't care who colored her bed purple or put Spider Man in the DVD player.  It's all cool...

Via Flikr

Besides, I can relax now that I've discovered I can just be myself, and that's really cool... almost aas cool as weather.com, but not quite.

How I Got My Self-Esteem Out of the Gutter

High School for me was anything but a walk in the park.  I looked and acted like a perfectly jovial person, but inside my self-worth was virtually non-existent.

For starters, I had a long term relationship with a guy that was a whiz kid.  In my eyes, he was absolutely brilliant.  Why?  Because he could immediately master mathematical equations and scientific concepts faster than I ever could. My brain simply wouldn't work that way.

Via Flickr

And yes, objectively speaking- not just in my girlfriend's-rose-colored opinion- he really was intelligent, especially by society's standards.  My high school years predated the recognition of emotional, social and artistic abilities as legitimate forms of intelligence;  therefore, when I was a teenager, most people measured intellectual ability in terms of scientific and mathematical prowess. I was one of those biased people.

Next to my boyfriend, I considered myself a complete moron intellectually. The fact that I could nimbly analyze literature and poetry, win foreign language awards, make A's in every subject (but that blasted Algebra II), sing the hell out of a difficult song, and deftly perform Shakespearean monologues didn't seem to register more than a one-out-of-ten on my self-esteem-o-meter.  These subjects and talents were "easy" things that I didn't believe counted on the intelligence front.

As for The Boyfriend?  We broke up.  He ended up going to Stanford and then, I am told, on to UCLA for his Ph.D. in Science (couldn't tell you in what field specifically.) I am sure he is out there somewhere continuing to live in his super smartdom.

And then there was the sports arena.  While I averaged B's in Algebra II, I was a D+ student (at best) in athletics.  This, of course, didn't win me any favors in sports-lovin' Indiana.  But in my mind I had to at least try to be great at everything lest I feel inadequate.  That meant, in addition to my academic and artistic pursuits, lettering in sports.   

olympushighemlyhoffman.wikispaces.com

Knowing my limited hand-eye coordination,  I went out for Track and Cheerleading, thinking I could at least do those sports.  Unfortunately, as far as Track was concerned, it soon became apparent I had no business running competitively. On one level I ignored that discovery and pushed myself anyway.

Now, you may be thinking, isn't the act of pushing yourself beneficial, even you aren't good at something?  Of course it is.  Problem was, I chastised myself whenever I didn't do well, which was pretty much all the time.  Now, looking back, I think, "Of course you didn't do well!  You are not naturally fast, your legs are short, and, genetically speaking, there is nothing that would make you a good runner!"  But logical thinking requires a healthy dose of self-esteem, so I was pretty much S.O.L. there.

And the cheerleading?  Well, let's just say I didn't quite master the whole teamwork idea.  I vaguely remember there was a point where I was doing my infamous chipmunk impressions at the request of the cheering section.

Via Flickr, but those were our school colors!

Now, seriously, what was I thinking?  Besides acting like a chipmunk in public, a rather absurd notion in itself, wasn't I there to cheer on the football team?  Couldn't I just do the routines like the rest of the cheerleading squad?  But noooooo, there I went, drumming my own little drum, not grasping the notion that not only was I a different drummer, but also that cheerleading wasn't really a good different drummer type of activity.

So how did my phoenix rise out of the self-esteem ashes?  The answer is, simply:  it took time, hard work and a bit of luck.

In my twenties my self-worth did improve with effort, but something always seemed to set me back.  First of all, trying to make it in the tumultuous world of the theatre didn't quite help matters.  So up until age thirty, I'd say, the self-esteem-o-meter hovered precariously around a four.  But then, once I hit 30, things started to improve.  My maturation level enabled me to naturally become more comfortable in my own skin.  Even so I really didn't understand how intelligent, gifted and remarkable I was as a human being until I reached age 34.

That was the year I had my daughter, my first child, and I realized pretty quickly that I needed to have a substantial amount of emotional strength to devote to parenting.  I knew I didn't have the time or energy to deal with low self-esteem and the havoc it wrought on my life.  And besides, life is too short not to have your you-know-what together.

Just by luck, I stumbled upon a seminar taught by a local career coach.  When I listened to his presentation I knew immediately I'd come to the right place.  I ended up signing on with that career coach who then introduced me to the idea of preferences and abilities, unlike any other individual or academic institution ever had.  For the first time in my life I had a non-emotional, objective way of looking at my mind, my talents, and my preferences.  I could finally look at my strengths and weaknesses in a non-judgmental way.  I also began to recognize the intelligence and gifts in all people, not just those labeled as "smart" or "talented" or successful" in our society.


Of course, there were still some major cognitive-behavioral issues that I had to conquer.  Take negative self-talk for one.  It's like a pit-bull that grabs a hold of you and refuses to let go.  (I should know, I used to have one, God Rest Her Soul.)  And to this day I must continually be mindful of shutting down negative thoughts and letting my mistakes and weaknesses go.

Furthermore, there are lots of questions I still have to ask myself and boundaries I have to test.  But I'm exponentially better at sorting and answering these questions and boundaries than I used to be.  I am also much better at:

1) Living with uncertainty
2) Creating opportunities for myself
3) Tailoring my commitments to my strengths and weaknesses
4) Sharing my talents with confidence
5) Making things happen for myself instead of waiting for fate to tell me what all's in store for the future.

And as far as my self-esteem-o-meter?  It's registering at a 9.5, which means that while there's always room for improvement, I can live well.  I'm no longer a slave to happenstance and mood.  And honestly, certain circumstances still set my confidence back momentarily to maybe a six, but never to a zero anymore.

What else can I ask for?  I worked hard to be where I am, and so can you.  Consider getting the help you need instead of trying to do it on your own.  The investment of time and money will be well worth it.

Preferences... Because I'm Worth It... and So Are You.

I will always remember watching those old commercials for Preference by L'Oreal. Meredith Baxter Birney would would shake her gorgeous golden mane for the camera and say, "Preference.  By L'Oreal. (Shake hair, look back at camera.) Because I'm worth it."  And I would think, as a little girl, "Wooow!... I wish my hair could look like that."

Now my brunette locks do indeed look commercial-ready... at least on the day I go to my favorite hair designer, Pari Payravi, owner of Silhouette.  I relish those days I leave the salon feeling like a million bucks for not-so-many-bucks! 

Which brings me to the point of this post:  preferences.  What are yours?

It really helps to write them down.  It makes you feel happy, and "worth it."  Because come on, be honest.   Don't you kind of like feeling happy?  Even you cynics out there?

Also try writing down what you don't prefer, which, of course, is easier homework for the cynics.  Doing this exercise reminds you of what to incorporate into your life and what to stay away from... because I think we forget sometimes.  It's also nice to refer to your list whenever you need a boost of energy or a reminder of why something isn't working for you.  

So here are my likes and dislikes, in no particular order, that I thought I'd share with you.  You'll see this is quite an eclectic list, but then, I'm a pretty eclectic kind of gal:

Preferences:

1. Golden Retrievers.  These precious angels make wonderful pets.  They are like people but furry, soft and cuddly, not to mention extremely loyal and loving.  Goats follow closely behind, but I really don't know enough about them to put them at the top of the list with along with Golden Retrievers.

2. Pouring over Shelter Magazines.  (Note, I could call them "shelter mags," as they're often labeled; however that would be in direct violation with #2 of my non-preference list below.)

Fortunately for my subscription budget, but unfortunate for my past-time love, many of the great shelter magazines such as House and Garden and Domino have gone under.  I therefore find myself pouring over # 3...

3. Design Blogs. I am still working on my favorites...

4. Periwinkle.  My favorite clothing store in the Washington, DC area.  Elizabeth Mason, the owner, has an uncanny knack for putting together beautiful clothes and accessories to make the perfect outfit.  It's what I wish I could do naturally, but cannot.  (Which is why there are Elizabeths in the world.) Even when I can't afford to buy anything, I love looking at the gorgeous combinations.

5. Snacks are what I live for, because I'm like that type of desert mouse whose species I cannot recall that has to eat all of the time.  Although I know I'm supposed to just snack on "a piece of fruit" or "a handful of lowfat granola" (isn't that what the diet articles are always pushing?) my preferences include: Pretzel M & M's, pastel colored butter mints, Happy Goat Caramels (How can I resist any company that cares about a goat's well-being?) and cashews.  Can anyone say, "sweet and salty?"

6. Caramont Farm goat cheese.  Talk about happy goats!

7. Yoga pants from Athleta.  Anything that makes my bum look cute is worth buying.

romanticasheville.com

8. Asheville, North Carolina:  Gorgeous. In the mountains. Artist colony.  What's not to love?





9. Small businesses. I really do love to buy locally here at home or wherever I go.  (I know, so bandwagon.)  But so many businesses are little works of art.  They create such personally detailed atmospheres that actually have character.  Most important in my mind?  The owners are people who have guts.  They venture out of the typical work arena and create their own space.

Lovegrove Gallery via Coastal Living-AMAZING

10. Modwalls  So cool.  Just for fun, give the Modwalls Blender a try. You can go to their website and custom design glass tiles, then order samples of them.  Besides, it's good to be prepared.  You just never know when you'll need an emergency supply of custom designed glass tiles.

 11. Crest Outlast Toothpaste  I don't know what they put in this stuff (and no, I don't think reading the label would help) but the minty flavor does stay with you for a long time- sometimes as long as two to three hours!  Like I said, no clue what allows that to happen....

12. Talented people. Oh yes, I know, everyone has talents, but I'm referring to the people whose talents I know about because they have shared those talents with me in some way.  If you don't put your talent out there, how will I or anyone else know what you have to offer? 

Via: My Modern Met

13. Neon art. Dunno know why.  Just love it.

14. Innovative individuals.  These are people that are solving important problems, trying new things, creating something that's never been created before.  My sister is a great example.  She has Lupus and writes a poignant, funny, and informative blog about her experience.  She also wrote and published a fantastic book, Despite Lupus, that shows how to live well despite having a chronic illness.   Now she helps hundreds of people all over the world!



15. Personality.  I'm an ENFP, which is to say I have the following personality preferences:
Extroversion, INtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving.
So what does this mean in layman's terms?  I'm not the corporate type.

16. Flowers.  I have a habit of taking the picture of every flower I meet when I'm on vacation.  (Just ask my husband how many millions of floral images take up perfectly good hard drive space on our computer.)  I can't think of a more photo-worthy subject, except for my children, who, although adorable, move way too much when it comes to trying to capture them on film.  Which then begs the question:  why do I have thousands of pictures of them?

Non-preferences (no pictures for these bad boys.)

1. Any combined words, such as "jeggings."  Seriously.  There is no need. 

2. Abbreviations such as 'vator (elevator) or 'braire (library).   You can imagine this musical theatre lover's dismay when people began calling Les Miserables "Les Miz."
*note, in college, I met a friend who shared my distaste for abbreviations.  Ironically, her name was M.K. (short for Mary Kathryn.)

3.  Bumper stickers.  Again, seriously.  There is no need for me to know, just by looking at a person's car:
a) who they voted for, or
b) how they feel about, well, anything... or
c) that "s#@t happens!"

I mean, it's a car, for heaven's sake.  How about... just, ummmm, driving it?

4. Taking care of practical details.  That would be a ruh-eeeally nice preference to have, but I don't. Of course, I know that just because I don't prefer to do something doesn't mean I don't do it.  But I do tend to procrastinate those types of tasks.  For example, scheduling my own appointments around multiple schedules.  Talk about torture!!  I use up all of my practical detailing energy taking care of my kids' doctor appointments for heaven's sake....

5.  Living in the moment.  Nope, c'est pas moi. I'm a future thinker who takes a shot at mindfulness now and then.  And, yet again, it would be a nice natural preference to have, but I don't.  That's the "N" in my personality. (See Preference #15 above.)

A friend of mine, another woman who has the "N" preference, jokes that she knows she should read The Power of Now, but she never gets around to it.  I told her I feel her pain.  I've not read it either.   I'm sure I'll get to it... but right now I'm just too busy imagining how good it would be for me to read it.

6. Repetition.  So much for becoming a world class figure skater, or opera singer or anything that requires a lot of repetitive work.

7. Taking Care of Newborns.  I was really relieved when my children passed the six month stage....

Oh, alright!!!!! Who am I kidding?  Their first years are rather blurred by all of the practical details of diaper changings and feedings and whatever else I managed to do.

8. Abstaining from good food.  I know, I know, who likes to diet?  But I can't think of anything I'd rather NOT do than enjoy a good meal, no matter how many calories it has.  And I really can't stand bland food. 

9.  Routine.  I don't mind a schedule or having a system, within flexible reason!  But the redundancy that comes with a monotonous routine puts me over the edge... into my next non-preference...

10.  Boredom.  See, here I go writing a previous post called Rules of Engagement, whereby one is responsible for preventing one's own boredom; yet I still experience this mental phenomenon?  I suppose it's a little thing called "ob-li-ga-tion."

And there you have it.  Now, what are yours?  Let me know!  Maybe it will become a "fav" of mine!
(Ugh..., it hurt just to type that.)