Courage is Easier Than Fear

Courage is more exhilarating than fear and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.

You Learn By Living (1960), 41

Eleanor Roosevelt

Making a Difference in the World: Mulala Yousafzai

Like many girls at age 16, I worried about boys, my grades and what I wore. I badly wanted to make the cheerleading team, and fretted over where I would go to college in two years. I cried when I didn't make the lead in the school play and secretly craved being part of the "in" crowd.

In short, life felt rather grim at the time.

This young lady, Mulala Yousafzai, age 16, is fighting for the education rights of young women and for peace in her homeland of Pakistan. She miraculously survived an assassination attempt by the Taliban for her vocal and very public opposition.

Kind of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?

Watch her interview with Jon Stewart here.

Diamond in the Rough

I just had the privilege of seeing Shawn Colvin perform at The Birchmere.  I thoroughly enjoyed watching a woman who has honed her craft so remarkably over the years, thriving in the music industry for much longer than most performers.

Fortunately, Ms. Colvin has recently released a memoir that is on my list to read.  According to the reviews I've read, she uses the same enjoyable and self-deprecating humor in her writing that she does in her live performances. The book illuminates her life in music, and recounts the joys of meeting her music heros and heroines. It also depicts her trials with clinical depression, alcoholism, broken relationships, and the shock of motherhood. (This last one- let's just say, I get it.)  However, she says that she's now "happy and healthy," a celebration in and of itself, and, in my mind, her most remarkable achievement of all.

Vocalist/Guitarist/Writer


While I could listen to her sing her Grammy Award-winning song, "Sunny Came Home," countless times- and she gave an exquisite performance of it the other night- I do find another one of her songs, "Diamond in the Rough," particularly enchanting.  The song seems exceptionally poignant when one considers Ms. Colvin's tenacity in spite of the adversity I mentioned above.  In fact, I would venture to say that the she has thrived in the music business for so long not only because of her amazing musical talent, but also because she writes from an incredibly honest, vulnerable place; a place many of us like to personally hide from but are just willing enough to relate to.

I feel especially drawn to the "Diamond" lyrics because they shine a light on how difficult it is to keep alive the essence of who we are.  Born as beautiful jewels, we each have so many gifts to offer.  When we're little we have pride in what we do, we feel at home in our fascinations.  We have a certain respect for our needs and wants, even though we are still learning about our boundaries and the boundaries of others.

So where does this confidence and ease start to unravel?  We all have had unkind people and painful experiences in our lives that have helped to squelch our enthusiasm for living genuinely; in some lives, tragically, the experiences are nothing short of unabashed cruelty.  However, much of it, I believe, is also an unfortunate part of growing up and more aware of the world around us. Over the years, we accrue layers of doubts and fears and personal neglect that serve to bury our uniqueness.

In "Diamond in the Rough," Ms. Colvin explores this phenomenon, all the while reminding us that finding those gems, deep down inside, is a feat we all must try to do. Reclaiming our essence, our self-respect and innate worth requires some relearning, some fighting back, and, most importantly, requires tremendous courage.

As an offering of inspiration, I thought I'd share with you the lyrics and video for "Diamond in the Rough. Enjoy!

As a little girl I came down to the water

With a little stone in my hand

It would shimmer and sing

And we knew everything

As a little girl I came down

But in a little while I got steeped in authority

Heaven only knows what went wrong

And there is nothing so cruel

Than to bury that jewel

It was mine all along

I'm gonna find it

You're shining I can see you

You're smiling that's enough

I'm holding on to you

Like a diamond in the rough

Every now and then I can see

That I'm getting somewhere

Where I have to go is so deep

I was angry back then

And you know I still am

I have lost too much sleep

But I'm gonna find it

 You're shining I can see you

You're smiling that's enough

I'm holding on to you

Like a diamond in the rough

Like a diamond in the rough

 Snakes in the grass got to step on the gas

Snakes in the grass got to step on the gas

 In my dreams I go down by the water

With a little girl in my arms
And we shimmer and sing
And we know everything, everything
In my dreams I go down, I go down

Copied from MetroLyrics.com 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aDpHggDfxQs

The Distractions of July (and the Other 11 Months Too)

I really love summer.  I love the fresh cut flowers from the garden, the beach trips, the fresh fruit that actually tastes really good, especially when compared to the paltry offerings during the winter.
I can't seem to get anything done with all of these fun things to do, but I like them all the same.

Taking time to capture a butterfly

But then summer starts to get a bit settled in, and I'm reminded of the downsides to summer: the oppressive heat, humidity, mosquitos and, most unfortunate- time at the pool. Because time at the pool means I have to wear a swimsuit.  And wearing a swimsuit... well, God help me.

The Bathing Suit Wars 

I am a competitive sort, and I really don't like losing to others, especially others of admirable sveltitude (not a word, by the way.) However, I've been dealt a crushing blow this summer: in my version of The Bathing Suit Wars, I have lost. For now, anyway.  I know there are always sit-ups, jogging, yoga, cutting back on my calories- really hate this one- and other regimental changes I can certainly implement.  However, the bottom line (pun is intended here) remains: I don't wear swimsuits like I used to, and I hate that fact.

The Former Pant leg Perpetrator

But you know what I hate even more? The fact that I waste an ounce of energy on how I look versus how I feel!  What a pitiful use of time.  It's a pathetic habit I wish I'd been able to drop during my teenage years, yet it still hangs on like a Pit Bull on a pant leg.

(Disclaimer: I can use that expression, my Pit Bull lovers, because I used to have a Pit Bull-mix, who tasted many a pant leg in her lifetime.)

Besides implementing changes I can make and accepting those I cannot, lately I've had to work at banishing the old self talk, especially when I pass by the full length mirror on the way to the pool.  Since I've abandoned my initial plan of stealthily removing that blasted mirror in the middle of the night, I'm reduced to remembering that physical health must trump obsessing over body image.  I fall within normal weight, and I can't complain about not being in shape. So I know I need to dismiss that distraction and focus on something much more productive, like my business, helping people reach their career potential, my family, and challenging myself intellectually.  Those are values that are dear to me, and much more intrinsically important than whether you can bounce a quarter off the abs of the woman next to me in the kiddie pool.

A festive distraction- Fourth of July dessert contest at the pool

Second bottom line: this summer I've been especially distracted by the superfluousness surrounding me.  So many activities are there for the taking during the so-called lazy days of summer.  Since I've written two posts on distraction recently, I highly suspect I'm exerting a boatload of energy resisting distractions right now.

Besides being highjacked by all of the typical summer pleasures, my children are out of school and working from home feels futile. Household distractions abound, ready to be picked up, put away, cleaned, fed, negotiated, reprimanded and corralled. I'm constantly tempted to just do everything the kids want and the house beckons me to do, saying "no" too few times. Maybe it's the heat.


That being said, it's time to go and get some serious work done.  


But first, take a look at this adorable picture of a goat I found!  I got a little waylaid while going through my photo files...
  

Ed (He looks like an Ed, don't you think?)

Create Yourself: Entrepreneurship for Women

This is for you ladies out there who want to start a business and create your own thing: from the Daily Muse, an article about female entrepreneurship.

Enjoy!

"Mommy, Why Can't Girls Be President?"

Flickr

This question came from my seven year-old daughter's mouth, just the other day.

And then came my response, "Oh they can, Sweetie.  But, ummmmm....  Hmmm.  Let me think about that."

There are a million things I could have told her, but where does one even begin?

Since she was born, I had naively hoped that she would never question whether girls were as smart or capable as boys, or whether women could be just as effective leaders as men.  We're so much farther along than when I was her age, after all.  But, silly me, I had forgotten that numbers speak for themselves:

Male Presidents of the United States: 44
Female Presidents of the United States: zippo

Flickr

So why wouldn't she start asking questions like that?

Now, to make matters worse, here are the numbers for female corporate leadership representation  (note, she's not been privy to these stats yet):

Percentage of women in the U.S. labor force: 46.3%
Percentage of female Fortune 500 corporate officers: 15.4%
Percentage of female Fortune 500 CEO's: 2.4%

Sheesh.

(Click here to read the rest: http://www.womenonbusiness.com/new-us-women-in-business-statistics-released-by-catalyst/)

But back to the conversation at hand.  I managed to continue my response with:  "Women can most certainly be President.  There are female presidents in other countries for example.  However, here in the United States we've not had very many women run for President.  And to be President you have to be elected."

I decided not to throw out heavy hitters such as "sexism, patriarchal society, domesticity, women's suffrage, and historical ramifications of misogyny."  I thought that might be a bit much for a second grader.

But I dread the next question I'm going to get once she hears that the 19th Amendment wasn't added to the Constitution until 1920, which is:  "Why weren't women even allowed to vote, mommy?"

My answer will probably be something short and sweet like, "because the men running the show were ignorant- or afraid of-women's capabilities, honey." This barely scratches the surface, of course.

******************

As a career coach, I help individuals pursue a personally challenging and healthy path to professional fulfillment.  And although I absolutely encourage clients to pursue whatever career they design,  I wouldn't quite call running for President of United States the healthiest of all pursuits, especially for women.  Though male presidential candidates are under an unprecedented amount of personal scrutiny, women face sexism above and beyond the frenzied media probing.  For this reason alone, I am hardly surprised women are not coming out in droves wanting to run for Congress, much less for the Presidency.  I personally would rather have a root canal on each of my teeth than put up with the ummm... let's call them "shenanigans"... that go along with political campaigns.

Yet we all know the irony:  if more women who, generally speaking, have an innate ability to bring people together and decrease friction, don't enter the political arena, we'll stay put in our divisive American politics with a paucity of female presence.  Furthermore, once we gain gender diversity, problem solving will evolve to a much more sophisticated level than it remains today.

But in the meantime, I'm doing my little part with my daughter.  I show her how I share my talents by helping people thrive in their careers and lives.  I help her appreciate her joys in life and what makes for good brain candy.  I'm careful not to put down any career as "unworthy" or, at the other end, completely unattainable; she's only seven, for Pete's sake!  Even pro basketball is fair game in my opinion (and I can honestly say this only because she's is in the 5th percentile in height and has shown NO interest.)

As for the mother/daughter discussion of no female presidents, I borrowed a clever little book, Grace for President, from the local library.  It's a small step, but at least it's a step, in my own home.  And I'm not embarrassed to say that I cried a little bit when we read the book together.

Here's to the next generation of women:  may you have the choice to do whatever it is you are meant to do.

http://www.amazon.com/Grace-President-Kelly-DiPucchio/dp/B001Q3M5RQ/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318971658&sr=8-1

Goat Heaven

I recently visited the amazing Caromont Farm, and saw not one but four baby goats (or kids, to be precise) who had just been born the night before.  I owe this pleasure to owner Gail Hobbs-Page, who gave me a fantastic tour of her intimate goat farm.  She kindly introduced me to her precious, angelic kids and does. 

Now, you may ask, what was I, a career coach, doing in a remote goat farm in the middle of Virginia's Shenandoah Valley?   First of all, I love goats.  I'll brazenly admit that fact.  Second of all, I needed to follow up a hunch I had upon reading about Gail:  that this was a person I needed to meet!  I am always on the lookout for a unique individual who creates her own career, as opposed to choosing one, cafeteria style, from want ads and occupational handbooks.

My hunch was correct,  Gail certainly fit the bill.  She embodies what I call The Trail Blazer:  one who successfully blends her skills, varied passions, core beliefs and ideal environment into one distinct, and often uncommon, career path.  (For more on trailblazing, please see my previous post.)

My trip proved extremely fruitful.  I got a wonderful glimpse into a career path filled with personal integrity and joy.  Ms. Hobbs enthusiastically shared with me the intricacies of artisanal cheese making, the importance of ethical animal husbandry, and the merits of eating locally and supporting healthy food systems.  She articulately explained her business and life philosophies all the while affectionately stroking and cuddling with her ever-grateful goats.  (Who were happily munching on my purse, I might add.)

Talking to someone like Gail, a woman enthralled by what she does, even (and especially) during the hard times, gives me goose bumps.  Farming and cheese making is a career she needs to do, not just wants to do.  I applaud loudly when someone takes the oftentimes scary plunge to live well and genuinely, thereby soaking in the rewards that an honest day's work has to offer, even if it means giving up a lucrative career.

Before founding Caromont Farm, Ms. Hobbs-Page was the head chef of three top restaurants in North Carolina and New York City.  Interestingly, the University of North Carolina graduate never studied formally at a culinary school; rather, she learned the "old fashioned way" as she puts it, by apprenticing.  She quickly realized after beginning her work in professional kitchens that she had found her calling.  She possessed a special, innate gift of culinary prowess.

However, after many years, the restaurant lifestyle was becoming something she was ready to leave behind. The weekends, holidays, and general craziness in schedule was starting to drain her.   (I told her that I could definitely relate to lifestyle fatigue, a common casualty of being in the acting business for any length of time.)  Nevertheless, immersing herself in the restaurant business became an important stepping stone in her lifelong food journey.  As a chef, she learned how the culinary world operated.  This knowledge would later become a critical component for transitioning to the other side of the table.  As a farmer she would have to meet the needs of the most discerning epicurean clients,  fellow chefs. 

She spoke with me about this transition from Head Chef to going out on her own as a farmer:

"[I found myself] at that proverbial 'crossroads', where you want to do something so badly, you know in your heart you can do it, but the overwhelming fear in your brain takes over and you are so afraid of the failure that you make bad decisions or even worse rationalize yourself into doing nothing. It's the ultimate form of self-sabotage, I think. It had paralyzed me for so long.

When I decided that I was going to start making decisions NOT based on fear, but based on this new idea of success (not based on making money, but making a good product from animals that love and nurture me)  is when Caromont took off. For me, that distinction was pivotal. I was no longer coming from a decision based on fear, quite the opposite. I was living THIS life based on my core values, not just swimming downstream serving feed lot beef and vegetables from China."


Not only does Ms. Hobbs-Page live in accordance with her personal values, she presently draws from her rich treasure trove of talents:  Cooking, farming, teaching, and cheese-making.  She has a strong preference for working with her hands, which she can accomplish in her cheese-making.  She cares for the animals most of the day (another hands-on task), along with doing marketing and thinking down the road for her business.  She finds it crucial to be able to "see ahead" to determine what will be needed next.  These last activities are, of course, very conceptual, very visionary tasks, which many successful entrepreneurs are capable of doing on a daily basis.

Gail also teaches cooking classes, which she particularly enjoys.  She says that people have commented to her that she teaches all the time, especially each time she talks about food.  That seems to be a natural proclivity for her:  sharing what she knows with others who want to learn.  Sounds like a head chef function as well, no?

She shared with me the concept of relationship-building when it comes to the food business.  Her propensity for building bridges with other members of the food community as well as the surrounding Central Virginia community-at-large has garnered her many successful partnerships.  Her hand-crafted artisanal chevre is served at world-renowned restaurants in Virginia such as the Inn at Little Washington.  She also provides her cheeses to many other fine establishments like The Clifton Inn and Fosters of Keswick Hall.  Gail has built, from the ground up, long-lasting relationships with other like-minded, gifted chefs; relationships grown from mutual respect and trust.

Ms. Hobbs-Page gave me a sample of her delicious cheese and what a treat!   I have never tasted anything so fresh and wonderfully flavorful.  I can tell that it came not only from happy and well-loved goats, but from an artisan who cares deeply about what she creates.  So the next time someone says to you, "I love to cook, but I don't want to be a chef," inform them that they don't have to be!  There are many delectable ways to create one's own culinary path.

If you want to know more about the life of a goat farmer and the ups, downs, and nitty gritty ruggedness of farming life, check out Gails website, www.caromontfarm.com.  You may become a goat fan too.

Rough, Tough Cream Puff

Watching my daughter (not pictured above) transform from an infant to the little lady she is today has been nothing short of fascinating.  Her personality becomes more and more apparent as she grows up, and visible traits become patterns rather than mere temporary phases.  In particular, her affinity to care for others seems to have become a permanent fixture in her behavioral library.

Many parents, teachers, babysitters, and other adults have labeled her as “very sweet," and I've  observed from a very young age how helpful and nurturing she naturally behaves toward other children.  She jumps at the chance to comfort some other child, especially when they are having trouble emotionally.  (And come on, when isn't someone crying somewhere in a room full of little rug rats?)  For instance, during the first few weeks of kindergarten my daughter dutifully sat and comforted a fellow student at recess when he was scared of his new school environment.  She behaved in this fashion even when she was barely old enough to talk.  “It otay, baby, it otay,” she’d murmur to a crying infant she'd just met.

(Author's note:  I won't tell you she doesn't have her, ahem, moments.  When it comes down to her own younger sibling, nurturing gets rather dicey.  That behavior depends largely on mood.  Just yesterday I heard her emit some pretty evil cackling noises when her brother couldn't have a toy he wanted.  But that's another matter for Dr. Spock... or Phil.)

As a child, people described me much the same way they perceive Emma:  sweet, caring, kind.
However, towards the end of high school and then into college, I became a bit cynical.   (Okay, really cynical.) I was tired of being “little miss nice girl.”  I really wanted to become tough, assertive, less sensitive and feeling.  I ached to build up a thick exterior that wouldn’t crack like a delicate egg shell every time someone criticized me.  My mother always bemoaned my vulnerability at the hands of others’ comments.  “Why do you have to be so sensitive all the time?” she’d ask me again and again.  And I'd get upset and wonder what was wrong with me.

So when I hit 16 or 17 and the time came to think of careers, becoming a tough litigator seemed particularly inviting.  And, in actually, a tough anything would've done it.  I was determined to become strong in persona, direct and indifferent; a tough bulldog versus a sweet golden retriever who simply pleased and cared for others.  Thus many of my original career images and goals were spun from a need to become, in essence, different.  I wanted to summon up the emotional resiliency I always felt I’d had in me and become the hard ass I was capable of becoming-- at 5'2".

In high school and into college I’d tell people the legal career I had in mind, to which many replied, “You’re too nice to become a litigator.”   Well that just fueled my fire!  Becoming a litigator became my mission.  And what I find so ironic, now that I am a career coach, is the fact that I was so misguided about litigators.  I now know many successful trial attorneys who are NOT tough, which is why they are so effective and win many a case!  Fortunately, I never did give law school a shot, as you may have read about in my previous blog, To Be or Not to Be.

So many people fall into the trap of pursuing a career they believe will transform them into the person they want to be, as opposed to who they truly are.  Fortunately for us stubborn little bulldogs, our true talents track us down, haunting us to the end until we relent.   In fact, it wasn’t until my 30’s and had my first child that I began to see a reverse side to trying to be the tough-skinned individual I craved so badly.  First of all, it wasn’t me.  Period.  The corporate sales world was indeed tough, and I didn't like it one bit.  The acting world was even tougher, and I felt reduced to cinders after every rejection, no matter how many ways I tried to psych myself into believing others' opinions really didn't matter.

Let's Hear It (Finally!) For Sensitivity

I eventually realized that I spent WAY too much energy trying to be something I wasn't.  I knew that I just wasn't bulldog material- no offense to the meek bulldogs out there, of course.  Rather, I was a golden retriever through and through:  loving, kind, caring, and, most interestingly, really really good at helping and motivating people, empowering others to craft solutions to their problems.  I finally understood that my intuitive, sensitive-to-others' feelings nature could be an asset, not a liability.

Directness, confidence and assertiveness started coming naturally, not by force-of-will.  My sensitivity, now allowed to flourish, quickly turned from an internal, negative focus to an external, positive, and effective force.  My self-esteem developed as I learned how my inborn preference for taking into account the feelings of others allowed me to "see" things that others with more utilitarian sensibilities could not detect.  In fact, many people who go into psychology-based fields have this same preference and ability. 

So now if my mother were to ask me why I'm so sensitive, I can matter-of-factly say, “because I am.  Isn't that great?  And it makes me a really good coach.”  I just had to realize how far empathy can take a person who sees its power.  Sensitivity to others can create fantastic opportunities.