When Laughter Doesn't Come

On most days I can find many reasons to laugh. Whether it's a funny comment from one of my kids, the seemingly endless antics of my dog, Cloey Margaret, a witty email or a fun Facebook video, (Pugs that waterski! Beagles that steal chicken nuggets from toaster ovens! Golden Retrievers with insatiable appetites!) I find myself smiling and shaking my head at the laughable absurdities that are part of this human's experience. If something is just a little bit bothersome, I’m often able to diffuse my frustration and instead appreciate the humor of the situation.

But then there are the days when humor is harder to access, when problems are big and scary. You probably know what I'm talking about: those days when you feel as if you're drowning in disasters and laughing is pretty much out of the question. Your mind is packed to the gills with the nasty complexities of life, whether it be rejection, poor health (yours or someone else’s), difficult decisions, distressing conversations and/or life situations that seem to have no answers, despite the fact that YOU NEED ANSWERS!

You've also probably found fear, confusion and sadness to be lousy conductors of laughter, particularly while in the throes of these awful feelings. But here's a thought I've been kicking around during my own bouts of distress: I'm starting to believe that taking short break from humor is a good thing.

How else do we stop and feel what we really need to feel? Laughter can serve as fantastic medicine, sure. But I suspect there are moments and days when the luxury of laughter is not ours to possess. There are instances when we have to face mental pain because laughing it off and shutting it out can be a terrible habit to get into. 

Despite our social need to keep up jovial appearances, there’s no shame in feeling sadness and admitting that there are some really, seriously rotten things that happen to us and to those around us, despite our best efforts to prevent them. And they're far from amusing.

But once we feel pain I've noticed that good things can start to happen. We ask for help. We step in. We're able to empathize with others and relate to what they are going through. The mind that’s so numbed to pain can hardly acknowledge and alleviate the pain of others.

So while a humorless life would prove wholly unbearable, having moments or even a day when we allow ourselves to soak in the gravity of the situation keeps our compassion in check. If we're honest with ourselves about how we feel, we can let down our guard and humor will slip in when you least expect it. 

In true, comic timing fashion. 

If the Shoe Doesn't Fit...

For the love of God don't wear it.

Take it from me, a repeat offender. I've tried way too many times to wear the wrong shoe size, buying shoes too big or too small because I loved them so much and they were so perfectly on sale and if I could just tough it out and squeeze into a half size too small or add inserts for those that were a half size too big I could just go ahead and snag them.

A few decades of sore tootsies and blistered heels later, I finally concluded that the discomfort isn't worth it. (I know... I'm a genius!) Wearing shoes that don't fit is only tolerable for about an hour- two tops-and then annoyance or pain or a combination of both sets in. It's crazy, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot mentally will the cute shoes to my size 7M foot.

Sometimes it seems as if we are raised in a world that views careers through a one-size-fits-all lens. For example, some parents might assume that since their daughter is smart and gets good grades she could become a doctor or a lawyer... or, what the heck, maybe an engineer! According to this line of thinking, they might as well assume their daughter can wear any size shoe, whether it be a size 5 or a size 10.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't we try and give career choice as much credence as our feet?

That's why I especially appreciate it when someone points out the fact that careers should be as custom-fit as possible to be really successful. David Epstein, author of the fascinating book,  The Sports Gene, has some truly interesting insight into what makes great athletes, for example. While I would hate to distill the complexity of his findings on talent into an overly simplistic nutshell like, you know, shoes sizes, I would like to share an interview between Epstein and EconTalk's Russ Roberts:

"...what sports are and should be is an attempt to get the most out of what someone's gifts are and see how they can be used uniquely. And there are not only all these different sports, but different positions within the different sports. Look at a football field. You almost have the extremes of the human physique represented on the field at one time. And I just find that to be really cool and fascinating, and a big departure from the early 20th-century idea that the average body type was the best for all endeavors and that anything that deviated from that was basically a mistake."

For the full interview, click here.

What if we thought about careers as Epstein does? Imagine a world in which all vocation choices were "an attempt to get the most out of what someone's gifts are and see how they can be used uniquely." I think the the world would run pretty smoothly and efficiently, don't you?

Especially if everyone wore shoes that actually fit.

A Hushed Meditation for 2016

 Before Thanksgiving I published a post about aiming for a hushed, rather than a rushed, holiday season.

I won't pretend that I followed ALL of my own advice down to a tee, but I did manage to be mindful in many new ways. However, my biggest nemesis, Ye Olde Perfectionism, refused to take a holiday! Trying to perfect every single thing is impossible, of course, but when there's lots of stuff on your plate, perfectionism becomes more aggravating than an itchy Christmas sweater on dry skin.

(Go ahead... chew on the that image for a while and see if you don't start scratching.)

But I'm used to having to outsmart perfectionism. Walking helped, as did writing, yoga, reading, playing games with my family, and putting antlers on my dog, Cloey Margaret.

Someone did not like her antlers.

But another trick that worked super well was meditation. In fact, over the holidays I created a new little 10 minute meditation to escape the busyness of the season, and I thought I'd share it with you now, in the new year. I think we can all use a bit of mindful slowing down, no matter what season. 

I hope you enjoy it!

-Katie

Sometime today or this evening, find a quiet place where you may either sit or lie down. Make sure you are in a very comfortable position.

Close your eyes and imagine you are in a clean, quiet, white space. You are alone, surrounded by pure, calming whiteness.

As you imagine this place, let your mind drift throughout your body, allowing every inch of your body to loosen and relax. 

Slowly take several deep breaths in and several deep breaths out. Focus on breathing in peace and breathing out tension. Allow yourself to do this until your body and breathing are calm and relaxed. 

Now, with your eyes still closed, imagine you have a very simple, empty white basket that you place on the floor a few feet away. You may imagine what it looks like or you may not even look at it at all. It's just there, sitting by you.

As thoughts of what you need to do at work or at home come to mind, allow each thought to float into the basket. This is where you may place tasks on your to do list, your worries and fears and anything else that may be causing you distress. Trust that this basket is an adequate, safe place for those thoughts to go. By placing these thoughts there, you are giving yourself the calm and serenity that your mind and body need right now.

As you let these thoughts float to the basket, remember to continue to breathe in calm and exhale tension. Allow your mind to find peace in this very moment. Allow your body to replenish itself with calming, nourishing breaths. 

As you do this, you might find that your mind gradually replaces all worries with gratitude for the moment that exists right here, right now. No need to think about the past or worry about the future.  The only gift to focus on is right here, right now.

Focus on this relaxing breathing and meditation for as long as you are able.

When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to a place of peacefulness. Allow this meditative time to refocus on the moment, as it is and your place in it. Bring to the moment your renewed energy and calm peace of mind.

Create Your Own Path

"If a path exists, that path belongs to someone else." 

- Joseph Campbell

Bare Branches

Have you ever noticed a tree standing naked against the sky,

How beautiful it is?

All its branches are outlined, and in its nakedness

There is a poem, there is a song.

Every leaf is gone and it is waiting for the spring.

When the spring comes, it again fills the tree with

The music of many leaves,

Which in due season fall and are blown away.

And this is the way of life.

- Jiddu Krishnamurti

A Hushed Holiday in Five Easy Steps

We have entered the holiday season, now that we are practically on top of Thanksgiving, and my understanding is that there's no going back.

But not to worry!

Here are some things to remember. 

(Okay, I need to remember these things, so I thought I would share my holiday TO DO and NOT DO list with you...  in hopes that you might need to remember these things too.)

1. PURPOSEFUL GIVING 

Determine NOW what causes you want to give to and about how much you'd like to give. Make a list. Everyone and their brother, sister and step-grandmother are going to be asking you for money. How do you know when to say yes, no or how much? By prioritizing what is most important to you over the next few weeks (i.e. the holidays.) And if it's a great cause you're wanting to give to but you happen to not have a trust fund handy, mark a date in March- several weeks and pay periods later- to revisit making an investment of time and/or money. And sometimes that feels better than just telling someone "no."

 2. MONEY 

But wait, there's more to say about money! 

Oh, Man...

The gifts. Yeah, the gifts. Again, thinking in advance about what you'd like to spend- and sticking to it- does help. Lists are key here as well. Writing your intentions down in advance for the gifts you want to give is a beautiful thing.

But what if you aren't a planner? What if planning makes you a very grumpy snowman? Here's a thought: just manage expectations as you buy. Stick to your promise to not overspend on gifts and put less pressure on yourself when selecting the "best-ever" present. What about giving an experience like making someone dinner? Or what about a gift card for a reasonable amount tucked inside a fun little card that has been handmade by you, a local artisan or your little Rembrandt in diapers? Just a thought.

3. FORGET THE DEALS 

Deals might be more about you than the recipient. Do they really want your great deal on a wok if they hate to cook? It doesn't matter if Macy's took twelve of your coupons on Black Friday, taking it down from $59.99 to  $3.99 plus tax, it's still useless to those who care not for woks. Plus it took a lot of your precious holiday time and effort using all of those coupons. (Take it from me: I tried going to Macy's once on Black Friday with coupons and shudder at the experience.)

But how about knock-offs? As their name indicates, knock-offs aren't the real thing. Nor are "steals" on Craig's List or Ebay.  For example, one year my husband and I were trying to be clever and thrifty and got a great deal on an American Girl Doll from Craig's List. However, as my husband and I discovered, there is usually a reason these dolls are being sold for less. So if you happen to be in the market for an AGD here'rs our recommendation: if you believe the recipient might want a doll who's head stays on, you may want to pay the retail price on the (gulp!) actual website. It would've saved us a ton of time and energy had we just gone the regular route.

4. PERFECT SCHMERFECT

 

Do NOT, I say, do NOT, be a perfectionist. The funniest holiday movies are based on the ridiculous   notion that there exists a so-called Perfect Holiday, when no one fights, every dinner is perfect, and homes practically decorate themselves in magazine-worthy splendor. I'm sure there are some families who have that fortune, but I try to avoid hanging around them lest I feel less-than merry and bright.

5. HUSH 

I say, let's try for a hushed holiday season, as opposed to a rushed one. Be selective about what you want to spend your time doing. And if there are fewer jam-packed days, let little moments of fun linger, allow quiet time to last longer and permit yourself to laugh as much as possible. Play a game with friends and/or family for the sole purpose of having a good time. (I know, that's deep, right?) A game that has no real point is always good in my book. 

And speaking of books, take time to read books and watch movies that make you reflect, chuckle or just remember what's important to you. Plenty of people want to tell you what should be important to you, but what are your priorities? What is most valuable to you?

I'll tell you what I most value this time of year: quiet time. 

It's priceless.

How to Grow Old Gracefully

This wonderful, eclectic group of individuals gives us wisdom on growing older.
Watch How to Grow Old Gracefully

Enjoy and have a great weekend!

-Katie