How I Got My Self-Esteem Out of the Gutter

High School for me was anything but a walk in the park.  I looked and acted like a perfectly jovial person, but inside my self-worth was virtually non-existent.

For starters, I had a long term relationship with a guy that was a whiz kid.  In my eyes, he was absolutely brilliant.  Why?  Because he could immediately master mathematical equations and scientific concepts faster than I ever could. My brain simply wouldn't work that way.

Via Flickr

And yes, objectively speaking- not just in my girlfriend's-rose-colored opinion- he really was intelligent, especially by society's standards.  My high school years predated the recognition of emotional, social and artistic abilities as legitimate forms of intelligence;  therefore, when I was a teenager, most people measured intellectual ability in terms of scientific and mathematical prowess. I was one of those biased people.

Next to my boyfriend, I considered myself a complete moron intellectually. The fact that I could nimbly analyze literature and poetry, win foreign language awards, make A's in every subject (but that blasted Algebra II), sing the hell out of a difficult song, and deftly perform Shakespearean monologues didn't seem to register more than a one-out-of-ten on my self-esteem-o-meter.  These subjects and talents were "easy" things that I didn't believe counted on the intelligence front.

As for The Boyfriend?  We broke up.  He ended up going to Stanford and then, I am told, on to UCLA for his Ph.D. in Science (couldn't tell you in what field specifically.) I am sure he is out there somewhere continuing to live in his super smartdom.

And then there was the sports arena.  While I averaged B's in Algebra II, I was a D+ student (at best) in athletics.  This, of course, didn't win me any favors in sports-lovin' Indiana.  But in my mind I had to at least try to be great at everything lest I feel inadequate.  That meant, in addition to my academic and artistic pursuits, lettering in sports.   

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Knowing my limited hand-eye coordination,  I went out for Track and Cheerleading, thinking I could at least do those sports.  Unfortunately, as far as Track was concerned, it soon became apparent I had no business running competitively. On one level I ignored that discovery and pushed myself anyway.

Now, you may be thinking, isn't the act of pushing yourself beneficial, even you aren't good at something?  Of course it is.  Problem was, I chastised myself whenever I didn't do well, which was pretty much all the time.  Now, looking back, I think, "Of course you didn't do well!  You are not naturally fast, your legs are short, and, genetically speaking, there is nothing that would make you a good runner!"  But logical thinking requires a healthy dose of self-esteem, so I was pretty much S.O.L. there.

And the cheerleading?  Well, let's just say I didn't quite master the whole teamwork idea.  I vaguely remember there was a point where I was doing my infamous chipmunk impressions at the request of the cheering section.

Via Flickr, but those were our school colors!

Now, seriously, what was I thinking?  Besides acting like a chipmunk in public, a rather absurd notion in itself, wasn't I there to cheer on the football team?  Couldn't I just do the routines like the rest of the cheerleading squad?  But noooooo, there I went, drumming my own little drum, not grasping the notion that not only was I a different drummer, but also that cheerleading wasn't really a good different drummer type of activity.

So how did my phoenix rise out of the self-esteem ashes?  The answer is, simply:  it took time, hard work and a bit of luck.

In my twenties my self-worth did improve with effort, but something always seemed to set me back.  First of all, trying to make it in the tumultuous world of the theatre didn't quite help matters.  So up until age thirty, I'd say, the self-esteem-o-meter hovered precariously around a four.  But then, once I hit 30, things started to improve.  My maturation level enabled me to naturally become more comfortable in my own skin.  Even so I really didn't understand how intelligent, gifted and remarkable I was as a human being until I reached age 34.

That was the year I had my daughter, my first child, and I realized pretty quickly that I needed to have a substantial amount of emotional strength to devote to parenting.  I knew I didn't have the time or energy to deal with low self-esteem and the havoc it wrought on my life.  And besides, life is too short not to have your you-know-what together.

Just by luck, I stumbled upon a seminar taught by a local career coach.  When I listened to his presentation I knew immediately I'd come to the right place.  I ended up signing on with that career coach who then introduced me to the idea of preferences and abilities, unlike any other individual or academic institution ever had.  For the first time in my life I had a non-emotional, objective way of looking at my mind, my talents, and my preferences.  I could finally look at my strengths and weaknesses in a non-judgmental way.  I also began to recognize the intelligence and gifts in all people, not just those labeled as "smart" or "talented" or successful" in our society.


Of course, there were still some major cognitive-behavioral issues that I had to conquer.  Take negative self-talk for one.  It's like a pit-bull that grabs a hold of you and refuses to let go.  (I should know, I used to have one, God Rest Her Soul.)  And to this day I must continually be mindful of shutting down negative thoughts and letting my mistakes and weaknesses go.

Furthermore, there are lots of questions I still have to ask myself and boundaries I have to test.  But I'm exponentially better at sorting and answering these questions and boundaries than I used to be.  I am also much better at:

1) Living with uncertainty
2) Creating opportunities for myself
3) Tailoring my commitments to my strengths and weaknesses
4) Sharing my talents with confidence
5) Making things happen for myself instead of waiting for fate to tell me what all's in store for the future.

And as far as my self-esteem-o-meter?  It's registering at a 9.5, which means that while there's always room for improvement, I can live well.  I'm no longer a slave to happenstance and mood.  And honestly, certain circumstances still set my confidence back momentarily to maybe a six, but never to a zero anymore.

What else can I ask for?  I worked hard to be where I am, and so can you.  Consider getting the help you need instead of trying to do it on your own.  The investment of time and money will be well worth it.