Do You Have Something to Say ... or Prove?

I used to have something to prove.

Now I have something to say.

I'd like to think of this transformation as a sign of maturity rather than evidence that I need to make more noise in the world.

(The jury's still out on that one.)

A surprising number of young people (yours truly included, many years ago) choose career paths based on something they want to prove.  Maybe their choice, they believe, will rectify feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty growing up.  They insist on proving to parents, a teacher, coach or classmates- or even to themselves- that they can either:

1) do what everyone expected them to do.
2) do what everyone said they couldn't do or

When any person decides to go down a career path solely for the sake of proving something, the path will eventually start to crumble. No matter who the person is trying to impress or refute, the same possible pitfalls occur.  I can think of hundreds of reasons clients come to me unhappy with their current college major or career path.  Recognize any of these all-too-common tales?


The Lawyer-to-Be Who's Just Not Feeling It

"I majored in history in college, which Mom and Dad said was really good for law school.  And they thought being a lawyer would be ideal for me because I was a good student and liked to read.  So, not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I went to law school.  I figured it would at least give me some options.  But now I have spent three years and thousands of dollars studying something I really don't care about nor am I really that good at. At the same time, I feel I have to prove to myself and to everyone else that the time and money spent in law school was somehow worth it."

The Artist

"My parents and most of their friends always thought "artistic types" were flakes and that going into a creative field was impractical. So, being a rebel, I was bound and determined to prove them wrong.  I majored in acting, which I enjoyed; however, now that I'm a working actor I'm finding I really don't like it at all.  I hate to quit because that will just prove them right.  But I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either!"

The Investment Banker

"My family was really poor growing up and I vowed never to be poor myself when I became an adult.  I went to a great university and majored in finance because I thought investment banking would be a sure bet. However, as an investment banker I'm finding I just don't have "it." (Whatever "it" is.)  I know I'm being passed up for better positions... and it's just killing my confidence.  I feel as if I'll never be able to be what I thought I would prove to myself I could be someday:  wealthy."

Why does the "proving oneself" methodology eventually lead to a dead end?  Because this form of motivation is mainly focused on the self, others' perceptions of you (real or imagined) and past or present relationships, rather than the career path itself. Not only can it not sustain you over the long run, it's also based mainly on feelings, rather than on more objective factors such as aptitude and the appropriate fit of a career path.

Does this mean that you should stay away from ANY input from parents or siblings or other influencers? Absolutely not! People close to you often have some extremely useful insights; after all, they know you really, really well and, if they're being truly objective, they can help you see what your strengths are. Friends, family members, teachers and coaches can give you some really great hints as to what you would be good at doing.

But you alone have the final, awesome task of deciphering which clues are useful for career decisions, and which are just good insights into part of the whole picture that is you. Friends, teachers and family members can't put themselves in your shoes, even if they happen to be in the job you are interested in pursuing!  That perfect/fantastic/brilliant job of someone else's dreams might just be a big old dead end for you. Furthermore, no one but you will be paying for your grad school loans (unless you are super lucky), or hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock when you absolutely dread going to work at a so called "great" job that someone recommended.

So why not take the time to explore what you really want in a career? Ask yourself, what do you care about? What fields you have a desire to contribute to? What ideas do you need to share? Explore where you think you can make a difference, given your talents and strengths and interests. And, most importantly, discover what you want to communicate to others through your work.

I can assure you, as can thousands of other adults who've learned the hard way, that it's well worth taking the time to discover what you have to say. It's a much more exciting and purposeful endeavor than than the tiresome act of constantly trying to prove yourself.