Do You Have Something to Say ... or Prove?

I used to have something to prove.

Now I have something to say.

I'd like to think of this transformation as a sign of maturity rather than evidence that I need to make more noise in the world.

(The jury's still out on that one.)

A surprising number of young people (yours truly included, many years ago) choose career paths based on something they want to prove.  Maybe their choice, they believe, will rectify feelings of inadequacy or uncertainty growing up.  They insist on proving to parents, a teacher, coach or classmates- or even to themselves- that they can either:

1) do what everyone expected them to do.
2) do what everyone said they couldn't do or

When any person decides to go down a career path solely for the sake of proving something, the path will eventually start to crumble. No matter who the person is trying to impress or refute, the same possible pitfalls occur.  I can think of hundreds of reasons clients come to me unhappy with their current college major or career path.  Recognize any of these all-too-common tales?


The Lawyer-to-Be Who's Just Not Feeling It

"I majored in history in college, which Mom and Dad said was really good for law school.  And they thought being a lawyer would be ideal for me because I was a good student and liked to read.  So, not really knowing what I wanted to do with my life, I went to law school.  I figured it would at least give me some options.  But now I have spent three years and thousands of dollars studying something I really don't care about nor am I really that good at. At the same time, I feel I have to prove to myself and to everyone else that the time and money spent in law school was somehow worth it."

The Artist

"My parents and most of their friends always thought "artistic types" were flakes and that going into a creative field was impractical. So, being a rebel, I was bound and determined to prove them wrong.  I majored in acting, which I enjoyed; however, now that I'm a working actor I'm finding I really don't like it at all.  I hate to quit because that will just prove them right.  But I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life either!"

The Investment Banker

"My family was really poor growing up and I vowed never to be poor myself when I became an adult.  I went to a great university and majored in finance because I thought investment banking would be a sure bet. However, as an investment banker I'm finding I just don't have "it." (Whatever "it" is.)  I know I'm being passed up for better positions... and it's just killing my confidence.  I feel as if I'll never be able to be what I thought I would prove to myself I could be someday:  wealthy."

Why does the "proving oneself" methodology eventually lead to a dead end?  Because this form of motivation is mainly focused on the self, others' perceptions of you (real or imagined) and past or present relationships, rather than the career path itself. Not only can it not sustain you over the long run, it's also based mainly on feelings, rather than on more objective factors such as aptitude and the appropriate fit of a career path.

Does this mean that you should stay away from ANY input from parents or siblings or other influencers? Absolutely not! People close to you often have some extremely useful insights; after all, they know you really, really well and, if they're being truly objective, they can help you see what your strengths are. Friends, family members, teachers and coaches can give you some really great hints as to what you would be good at doing.

But you alone have the final, awesome task of deciphering which clues are useful for career decisions, and which are just good insights into part of the whole picture that is you. Friends, teachers and family members can't put themselves in your shoes, even if they happen to be in the job you are interested in pursuing!  That perfect/fantastic/brilliant job of someone else's dreams might just be a big old dead end for you. Furthermore, no one but you will be paying for your grad school loans (unless you are super lucky), or hitting the snooze button on the alarm clock when you absolutely dread going to work at a so called "great" job that someone recommended.

So why not take the time to explore what you really want in a career? Ask yourself, what do you care about? What fields you have a desire to contribute to? What ideas do you need to share? Explore where you think you can make a difference, given your talents and strengths and interests. And, most importantly, discover what you want to communicate to others through your work.

I can assure you, as can thousands of other adults who've learned the hard way, that it's well worth taking the time to discover what you have to say. It's a much more exciting and purposeful endeavor than than the tiresome act of constantly trying to prove yourself.

It Takes Courage

Doing what everyone expects of you is easy.
It takes courage to question their expectations.

Living vicariously through others is a breeze. 
It takes courage to discover and pursue what you yourself want.

Taking a typical, formulaic route in life is fairly painless. 
It takes courage to cross into uncharted territory.


Avoiding failure is always preferable. 
It takes courage to face failure head on.

Doing what you think you should do with your life is fairly simple. 
It takes courage to do what you need to do.  

Getting rich at the expense of others is easy.
It takes courage to share your wealth in order to enhance others.


Following someone else's path in life is predictable.

It takes courage to improvise your own.

When Laughter Doesn't Come

On most days I can find many reasons to laugh. Whether it's a funny comment from one of my kids, the seemingly endless antics of my dog, Cloey Margaret, a witty email or a fun Facebook video, (Pugs that waterski! Beagles that steal chicken nuggets from toaster ovens! Golden Retrievers with insatiable appetites!) I find myself smiling and shaking my head at the laughable absurdities that are part of this human's experience. If something is just a little bit bothersome, I’m often able to diffuse my frustration and instead appreciate the humor of the situation.

But then there are the days when humor is harder to access, when problems are big and scary. You probably know what I'm talking about: those days when you feel as if you're drowning in disasters and laughing is pretty much out of the question. Your mind is packed to the gills with the nasty complexities of life, whether it be rejection, poor health (yours or someone else’s), difficult decisions, distressing conversations and/or life situations that seem to have no answers, despite the fact that YOU NEED ANSWERS!

You've also probably found fear, confusion and sadness to be lousy conductors of laughter, particularly while in the throes of these awful feelings. But here's a thought I've been kicking around during my own bouts of distress: I'm starting to believe that taking short break from humor is a good thing.

How else do we stop and feel what we really need to feel? Laughter can serve as fantastic medicine, sure. But I suspect there are moments and days when the luxury of laughter is not ours to possess. There are instances when we have to face mental pain because laughing it off and shutting it out can be a terrible habit to get into. 

Despite our social need to keep up jovial appearances, there’s no shame in feeling sadness and admitting that there are some really, seriously rotten things that happen to us and to those around us, despite our best efforts to prevent them. And they're far from amusing.

But once we feel pain I've noticed that good things can start to happen. We ask for help. We step in. We're able to empathize with others and relate to what they are going through. The mind that’s so numbed to pain can hardly acknowledge and alleviate the pain of others.

So while a humorless life would prove wholly unbearable, having moments or even a day when we allow ourselves to soak in the gravity of the situation keeps our compassion in check. If we're honest with ourselves about how we feel, we can let down our guard and humor will slip in when you least expect it. 

In true, comic timing fashion. 

If the Shoe Doesn't Fit...

For the love of God don't wear it.

Take it from me, a repeat offender. I've tried way too many times to wear the wrong shoe size, buying shoes too big or too small because I loved them so much and they were so perfectly on sale and if I could just tough it out and squeeze into a half size too small or add inserts for those that were a half size too big I could just go ahead and snag them.

A few decades of sore tootsies and blistered heels later, I finally concluded that the discomfort isn't worth it. (I know... I'm a genius!) Wearing shoes that don't fit is only tolerable for about an hour- two tops-and then annoyance or pain or a combination of both sets in. It's crazy, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot mentally will the cute shoes to my size 7M foot.

Sometimes it seems as if we are raised in a world that views careers through a one-size-fits-all lens. For example, some parents might assume that since their daughter is smart and gets good grades she could become a doctor or a lawyer... or, what the heck, maybe an engineer! According to this line of thinking, they might as well assume their daughter can wear any size shoe, whether it be a size 5 or a size 10.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't we try and give career choice as much credence as our feet?

That's why I especially appreciate it when someone points out the fact that careers should be as custom-fit as possible to be really successful. David Epstein, author of the fascinating book,  The Sports Gene, has some truly interesting insight into what makes great athletes, for example. While I would hate to distill the complexity of his findings on talent into an overly simplistic nutshell like, you know, shoes sizes, I would like to share an interview between Epstein and EconTalk's Russ Roberts:

"...what sports are and should be is an attempt to get the most out of what someone's gifts are and see how they can be used uniquely. And there are not only all these different sports, but different positions within the different sports. Look at a football field. You almost have the extremes of the human physique represented on the field at one time. And I just find that to be really cool and fascinating, and a big departure from the early 20th-century idea that the average body type was the best for all endeavors and that anything that deviated from that was basically a mistake."

For the full interview, click here.

What if we thought about careers as Epstein does? Imagine a world in which all vocation choices were "an attempt to get the most out of what someone's gifts are and see how they can be used uniquely." I think the the world would run pretty smoothly and efficiently, don't you?

Especially if everyone wore shoes that actually fit.

A Hushed Meditation for 2016

 Before Thanksgiving I published a post about aiming for a hushed, rather than a rushed, holiday season.

I won't pretend that I followed ALL of my own advice down to a tee, but I did manage to be mindful in many new ways. However, my biggest nemesis, Ye Olde Perfectionism, refused to take a holiday! Trying to perfect every single thing is impossible, of course, but when there's lots of stuff on your plate, perfectionism becomes more aggravating than an itchy Christmas sweater on dry skin.

(Go ahead... chew on the that image for a while and see if you don't start scratching.)

But I'm used to having to outsmart perfectionism. Walking helped, as did writing, yoga, reading, playing games with my family, and putting antlers on my dog, Cloey Margaret.

Someone did not like her antlers.

But another trick that worked super well was meditation. In fact, over the holidays I created a new little 10 minute meditation to escape the busyness of the season, and I thought I'd share it with you now, in the new year. I think we can all use a bit of mindful slowing down, no matter what season. 

I hope you enjoy it!

-Katie

Sometime today or this evening, find a quiet place where you may either sit or lie down. Make sure you are in a very comfortable position.

Close your eyes and imagine you are in a clean, quiet, white space. You are alone, surrounded by pure, calming whiteness.

As you imagine this place, let your mind drift throughout your body, allowing every inch of your body to loosen and relax. 

Slowly take several deep breaths in and several deep breaths out. Focus on breathing in peace and breathing out tension. Allow yourself to do this until your body and breathing are calm and relaxed. 

Now, with your eyes still closed, imagine you have a very simple, empty white basket that you place on the floor a few feet away. You may imagine what it looks like or you may not even look at it at all. It's just there, sitting by you.

As thoughts of what you need to do at work or at home come to mind, allow each thought to float into the basket. This is where you may place tasks on your to do list, your worries and fears and anything else that may be causing you distress. Trust that this basket is an adequate, safe place for those thoughts to go. By placing these thoughts there, you are giving yourself the calm and serenity that your mind and body need right now.

As you let these thoughts float to the basket, remember to continue to breathe in calm and exhale tension. Allow your mind to find peace in this very moment. Allow your body to replenish itself with calming, nourishing breaths. 

As you do this, you might find that your mind gradually replaces all worries with gratitude for the moment that exists right here, right now. No need to think about the past or worry about the future.  The only gift to focus on is right here, right now.

Focus on this relaxing breathing and meditation for as long as you are able.

When you are ready, gently open your eyes and come back to a place of peacefulness. Allow this meditative time to refocus on the moment, as it is and your place in it. Bring to the moment your renewed energy and calm peace of mind.

Create Your Own Path

"If a path exists, that path belongs to someone else." 

- Joseph Campbell

Bare Branches

Have you ever noticed a tree standing naked against the sky,

How beautiful it is?

All its branches are outlined, and in its nakedness

There is a poem, there is a song.

Every leaf is gone and it is waiting for the spring.

When the spring comes, it again fills the tree with

The music of many leaves,

Which in due season fall and are blown away.

And this is the way of life.

- Jiddu Krishnamurti