For the Love of Frozen Peas and Meat Loaf: Establishing Boundaries

"... I would do anything for love, 

but I won't do that.  

I won't do that."

-from Meat Loaf's "Bat Out of Hell II" album

I don't believe Mr. Loaf was singing about boundaries per se, but for some reason that refrain comes to mind whenever I'm setting limits for myself.  I'm not sure why.  Perhaps it's because I'm of the lucky generation who has many an early 90's song burned into her memory. (Thanks, Madonna!) Or maybe it's because a little ditty helps me cope with such daunting tasks as setting personal boundaries with others.

I'm certain I'm not alone in this dilemma; the lion's share of the human population has a tough time setting boundaries. Just look at all the trouble we get ourselves in! If only we had one of those plastic bars from the grocery store conveyor belt to establish our boundaries for us. No words needed.  No arguing, no negotiating, no manipulation or sneaky infiltration. Just slap that puppy down and everyone knows where we stand.

But alas, such is not the case, and frozen peas will remain a more protected class than human beings.

I'm sure most of you have dealt at one point or another with a harmful person- whether it be a family member or coworker- that seemingly brings you nothing but pain and angst.  In fact, Julia Cameron, in her seminal book, The Artist's Way, calls these people "crazymakers."  Aptly put, in my opinion, since these individuals drive you crazy to the point you lose sight of who you are and what you stand for.  They may even make you physically ill, at which point you begin to realize, while watching television reruns from your hospital bed, "Hey, wait a minute! I think this person is taking over my life!"

Then you end up spending ridiculous amounts of time and energy trying to undo all of the damage this person has inflicted on you and your environment. The next time, you vow, you'll preempt this turmoil from happening by nipping it in the bud early on. 

But how? What can you do about setting boundaries for yourself without having to inconspicuously sneak a grocery divider past the cashier?  

A pain-free method involves doing some mental legwork ahead of time, before anyone has the chance to encroach on your personal territory.  Maria Hill writes an insightful article on Life Hack about setting boundaries.  She says that you need to "come to terms" with what is important to you- as opposed to ignoring your needs- which way too many of us are guilty of doing.  

Hill suggests mapping out what your needs are and asking yourself the following:

• What are my most important values? Being clear about your values helps you identify good compromises. Values are the core of your boundary strategy and what you most need to honor.

• What are my most important priorities? It is easier to say yes or no, when you are honoring your most important priorities.

• What is non-negotiable for me? Non-negotiable items are related to your values or conditions in your life like your health. It could be family time, diet requirements particularly if you are ill, or values related to doing harm to yourself or others.

• What can I be somewhat flexible about? Scheduling issues typically fall in this category. An example: “I can work between 7AM-6PM but have to leave no later than 6PM to pick up my children.”

• What can I always be flexible about? The answer could include family emergencies, activities that are important to a family member, where I jog, and where I live.

• How do I typically handle trade-offs? Do they usually work for me or not? There is nothing wrong with making sacrifices, but if they are too frequent they can leave you feeling resentful.

Identifying these needs, Ms. Hill says, "keeps you from making commitments in a soft moment when your time will not really allow it, causing you to neglect a more important priority."*

Ring any bells?  I believe I hear some chiming faintly in the distance...

At work, even the most well-meaning bosses, employees and colleagues can infringe on your boundaries, so it's up to you to let them know where you draw the line.  If you don't tell them, how will they ever know?  Their parameters are, after all, different than yours. As long as you stick to reasonable, necessary limitations, and give others the respect they deserve, you have every right to articulate what you will and will not do. 

The same is true on the domestic front- both at home and in your personal life- where needs run high and manipulation often runs rampant. (Just talk to any kid for more than a minute and you'll see what I'm talking about.) Playing the role of dutiful family member may at times polarize your thoughts and emotions: one side is desperate to make sure your family members know that you love them and care about them, while the other side screams, "Can I just get something *^;%#@ accomplished?!"

Note: I'm sure that at least a million parents worldwide have spoken these words- albeit in many different languages- in the last 24 hours.

Self-affirmed boundaries are just as contagious, if not more, than a crazymaker's havoc.  When you thoughtfully articulate your boundaries, others will eventually begin thinking about their own needs and limitations. You may even get the healthy ball rolling within your circle of friends, family and colleagues. Leading by example, you show them that you deserve to have personal space and time and so do they. After all, in order to create your life, your career and yourself, you need to clarify what you are willing to do and what you'll avoid like the plague.

However, don't worry if you forget once in a while and cave in to someone's unreasonable demands or Oscar-worthy drama. You'll get back on track as soon as you visit the supermarket and watch the almost miraculous way of the grocery dividers.  As Jerry Seinfeld most thoughtfully quipped:

"It's very important, the rubber stick.  I don't want other people's items fraternizing with my carefully selected items."  

And neither should the rest of us.

*From Life Hack by Maria Hill. Be sure to read the rest of Ms. Hill's article, where you'll learn about developing, executing, and strategizing your plans for establishing boundaries. Furthermore, if you'd like more in-depth reading on this multi-layered, much-chagrined subject, she recommends the following two books:

1. Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and
2. Boundaries Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries by Anne Katherine, M.A.