Pumping Iron with Old People

Did your mother ever tell you, "Young Lady (or Man,) you need a serious attitude adjustment!"

Mine did, and, in truly redundant fashion, I now say the same exact thing to my kids.  You'd think I'd come up with something a bit more creative, but, alas no.

It's just a vicious cycle, My Friend.

I'll admit, however, that there have been many instances in adulthood where I could have used my mother's admonishment to change my attitude.  Because sometimes I forget that I am indeed "coppin' an a," as those of us 40 plussers used to say in the 80's.

(We were sooooo cool, Dude!!)

One recent instance of an attitude in need of adjustment was my work out situation.  This past summer, as I lamented the demise of my bikini figure, I was also undergoing physical therapy on my knees.  (Yup.  Both of them.)  Due to the fact that my right knee naturally turns ever-so-slightly inward, kind of like my right eye that ever-so-slightly crosses inward, (and no, that doesn't mean that I inadvertently just go around in circles) my body became really out of alignment.  And that, in turn, meant that both of my knees would hurt every time I ran or did certain exercises.  Which then meant that I had to figure out how to work out in a way that benefitted my knees, my health and my schedule.  (Oh yes, and my ailing bikini bod.)

So, when my physical therapist told me that running for more than a mile was unwise, I decided immediately that I was totally screwed.  That was my main form of exercise, after all. But, not one to give up on my situation so easily, my therapist then asked me if I belonged to a gym so I could weight train and use the elliptical machine, which would help my strength and alleviate my knee pain. No Siree, I proclaimed right then and there. No way was I going to join the nearby exclusive gym!  I'd joined a similar one a couple of times before and I always felt like it was just too far away and a waste of time and money given the exorbitant initial membership fee and monthly rates. All for the sake of a hip vibe.

And that was the end of that discussion. Although I didn't exactly sulk out of my last appointment and was outwardly grateful for the help she'd given me, I did harrumpf a little to myself.  I grumbled about how, now that I was getting older, my body just couldn't handle the simplest of things, like running.

Like I said, totally screwed- for life.

Fast forward a month later.  I don't know when it hit me, but I suddenly remembered an option I had that I'd always dismissed: the recreation center.  It was only five minutes away.  It had really good machine weights, an elliptical, plus classes. And you don't need to pay a membership fee!  Why, oh why, didn't I think of that sooner, I wondered.

But in actuality I knew the answer to that question.  I'd dismissed the notion many years earlier because I didn't want to work out in a nondescript place with a bunch of old people, since that's who mainly goes to the rec center gym.  It's completely ridiculous I know.  Talk about coppin' a 'tude!

However, now that I've changed my attitude I've discovered there are so many benefits, besides saving money, to working out in the community rec center with old people.  Now, let me just clarify that by "old" I mean 80's and above.  (Because, at age 42, you've got to be careful about who you're calling old.) In fact, I'm actually working out at the rec center quite a bit now, especially since the weather is so cold.  I won't say I'm quite ready for bathing suit season, but I'm getting there!

So what are the benefits, you might well ask, of working out with the twilight generation? Here are my top five reasons:

1. I can wear reading glasses while on the elliptical and not feel embarrassed.

I actually wear them to read because of my slightly converging right eye problem, not because of an aging vision problem, but still, no one there judges me. It's possible they can't see me very clearly from where they are sitting five feet away, but that's neither here nor there.

2. These old people are clean!

When the signs say, "please wipe down your machine after every use" they actually DO IT.  This results not only in fewer germs but also in no smell, which I can definitely appreciate.

Of course, there doesn't seem to be a ton of sweating going on either, so I'm sure that contributes to the fresh air. Which leads me to...

3. No grunting, egregious panting, or other outrageously loud noises interrupt my workout. 

No one appears to be going for the gold as far as pumping iron is concerned. If someone starts grunting I'd actually call an ambulance.

4. I get to hear about the latest offerings on PBS.

Masterpiece Theatre and the like are all the buzz at this gym. Thankfully no one has spilled the beans on Downton Abbey, since I remain most pitifully on Season One.

5. I feel quite young, trim and athletic.

Of course, I try to overlook the fact that it's all relative.  After all, I'm using the leg press next to Millie, who just turned 90 and is more interested in discussing her needlepoint project than in burning calories. (Truly, I am not making that up.) But heck, she's 90 and she's in a gym!  I think that's awesome.


So there you have it. I solved a big problem by making a slight adjustment in my attitude.

Which begs the question: if you adjusted your attitude about certain things, what could you accomplish?

Grown Ups Who Like To... Play??!!

My astute brother-in-law found this fun article from the Wall Street Journal that I just had to share you.

I don't find too many stories that depict adults having fun just for the sake of it. These guys have managed to continue playing a game most of us abandon when we're 10.

Enjoy!

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323375204578269991660836834.html?mod=WSJ_hp_mostpop_read

Songs to Live By: Carly Simon (Stuff that Dreams are Made of)

Sometimes my clients find that their current career path is actually pretty close to what they need to be doing. They realize, during our coaching sessions, that they have actually steered themselves in the right direction, but just need a few tweaks to make their careers and lives fulfilling.

Whenever this happens, I'm reminded of a song I sang in a benefit cabaret several years ago.  The show was entitled "Reflections on Life and Love," and this song, written and originally performed by Carly Simon, remains one of my favorites to this day.

Although Ms. Simon writes about rekindling a romantic love, I think the lyrics resonate beyond that. The song can remind us of the fact that what we have-in many aspects of our life- is sometimes exactly what we truly need. Perhaps we are right where we should be, even though it isn't exactly the exciting image we'd originally envisioned and dreamed up for ourselves.

In fact, when we stop and think about the achievements we've made, the relationships we've fostered and the people we've become, we realize that our lives are actually fuller and richer than the dreams we once conceived.

Perhaps we just have to "adjust the tuning" to invigorate ourselves once again.

"It's the Stuff that Dreams are Made Of"

by Carly Simon

Take a look around now

Change the direction

Adjust the tuning

Try a new translation

Don't look at your man in the same old way

Take a new picture

Just because you don't see shooting stars

Doesn't mean it isn't perfect

Can't you see...

It's the stuff that dreams are made of

It's the slow and steady fire

It's the stuff that dreams are made of

It's your heart and soul's desire

It's the stuff that dreams are made of

So what's this about your best friend?

She's got a brand new shiny boy

And they're moving out to Malibu

To play with all his pretty toys

And you feel closed in by the same four walls

The same old conversation

With the same old guy you've know for years

But use your imagination

And you will see....

It's the stuff that dreams are made of

It's the slow and steady fire

It's the stuff that dreams are made of

It's your heart and soul's desire

It's the stuff that dreams are made of

What if the Prince on the horse in your fairytale

Is right here in disguise

And what if the stars you've been reaching so high for

Are shining in his eyes

Don't look at yourself in the same old way

Take another picture

Shoot the stars off in your own backyard

Don't look any further

And you will see

It's the stuff that dreams are made of....

Check out the video!

Erich Fromm: Becoming Yourself

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality." 

-Erich Fromm 

Turning to a New Year

A college friend once told me that a career is like "a book with many chapters." And though that conversation was a few years ago and I've since dabbled with countless career metaphors, I honestly can't think of a better analogy.  It's so good, in fact, that I believe it can capture the experience of living as well.

A really great life, like a really good book, takes us on a journey. We, the protagonists, seek fulfillment in one form or another.  In our quest we encounter many obstacles along the way but somehow we always find new ways to use our inner strengths to leap over those roadblocks.  We silence the demons of self-doubt, deceive the army of naysayers and slay the dragons of defeat.

Throughout the many chapters of our lives, we survive many changes, losses and heartaches.  But we keep moving forward towards our quest for fulfillment and human connection, which takes on new meaning, growing in spirit, strength and confidence.

At least that's how the story is supposed to go...

But as 2013 is now upon me, beckoning me to move forward, I find myself hesitating. I think about the chapters in my own book of life- especially the part where I play Mommy- and how much I resist turning the page to see what lies ahead.  I don't want to let those nostalgic chapters go, even though they're already long gone. All that remains is my bare wistfulness.

I cling to the experiences of my children as little ones: of a tiny hand just able to grasp my index finger, chubby little thighs that smell so good after a nice warm bath.  I sort through pictures of yesteryear and wonder: how did the belly-laughs, the lullabies, the toothless smiles at my singing, the soothing vibrations of a sleeping baby on my chest get swallowed up by the passage of time?  Where do these experiences go? Do they evaporate into the ether when my memory can't quite hold on to them anymore- when I can't hear these moments anymore... or feel them or smell them?

Even the best photographs are no match for the power of the senses.

It's not that I want my children to be babies anymore.  As most parents would concur- so please excuse my hackneyed insight here- I am so grateful that I've conquered the stage of feeding/burping/changing diapers/schlepping around a million things for a meager trip to the grocery store- a trip which, by the way, takes an hour rather than the 12 minutes it would take going solo.  I don't miss the the despair and befuddlement I felt as they lay crying due to the fact that, lacking any type of formal communication, they couldn't tell me what was wrong.

(And then language came, which has now enabled them to tell me everything that is wrong.)

So what is it about the passage of time, the fleeting nature of experience, that allows me to avoid looking ahead and turning to the next chapter?  Is it merely the fact that something only happens once?  Even if that something tried my patience and disrupted my sleep schedule?

I think we all hang on to things just for the sake of hanging on, even if it's not something we truly want to keep in our lives. The only thing that we're really grasping is familiarity.  We know what the past and present look like.  We don't know what the future holds, even though it could be the best experience we will have ever had.

If my kids had stayed little, I'd never have been able to see all of the great stuff of today.  Like my daughter's amazing gift for storytelling, her fascination with books, her beautiful artwork and uncanny imagination. I would've missed taking her to New York at Christmastime and seeing her peer through the exquisitely designed windows at Bergdorf's.  I would've missed sharing with her the magic of watching a great show on Broadway.

And I wouldn't have been able to see my son wake up in the morning and head straight to the advent  calendar to count down the days to Christmas.  Or help him transform his room to a Spider Man lair and answer his infinite questions about super heroes.

(And by "answer" I mean, "You'll have to ask Daddy about that one.")

So I suppose I should embrace growing, especially since that IS the name of this blog. Therefore I'm dedicating this year, 2013, to moving forward. To growing.  To turning the page to see what lies ahead.

In order to accomplish this goal I know I'll need to keep reminding myself that, like in any good story, there's always a big twist.  It often happens at the height of the protagonist's struggles, when she feels she doesn't have anything yet to give or look forward to. When the past looks like all that's worth hanging on to.  But in the next chapter she emerges, almost miraculously, fulfilled in ways she never imagined.  Which gives her the confidence that, no matter what dragons lie ahead, she'll slay them too.

Sounds like a job for Spider Woman, don't you think?

49 1/2 Shades of Passion

Admit it.  You just keep coming back for the pictures.

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In my last post, I came to the defense of passion, since it seems to have taken a major beating in the media during the past few months.

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In this last post I also pointed out that people look at following passion from different vantage points.

Some individuals are drawn to passion when talking about their careers- or potential careers- while others find the word about as useful as standing around watching two monkeys hug one another.

(Note: I suppose some people might have a passion for watching monkeys hug one another, but that's a different blog post all together.)

It is with these dual perspectives in mind that I began looking at the various approaches to passion from our headline grabbing writers, Aspen Institute founder and biographer Walter Isaacson, Linked-In CEO Reid Hoffman and professor/author Cal Newport.  From their writings and public commentary we can see how they have painted the word "passion":

Walter Isaacson: Self-Centered Passion

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In a recent article, Mr. Isaacson spoke with the Huffington Post about the Aspen Institute's new focus on encouraging youth to serve America after graduation.  He discusses the importance of doing something larger than yourself, which can be reached by doing some kind of service corps right out of college or high school. It might be a medical corps or teaching corps or the military- anything that serves other individuals.

It is in this context that he relates a conversation with Steve Jobs about following ones passion:

"We talked about the fact that it isn't just about your damn passion-- it's about doing something larger than yourself. It's about serving this world, helping others.  So if you have a whole generation of people [who've been told, 'Oh, just follow your passion,' they're going to forget that there's some purpose in life."

mathrubhumi.com

The philosophy of looking at something greater than yourself is spot on and is a very integral part of the career design method that I use with my clients. However, the above statement presumes that discovering yourself and following your interests and abilities is mutually exclusive of helping others or being practical.

I contend it can be both. Many people view the word and their passion not only as an expression of themselves but also as an expression of what they can offer to others. In fact, most of my clients come to me asking the quintessential question, "How can I best help others using my passions and talents?"

By first asking this powerful question, clients are better able to reach the goal that Isaacson says we need to reach: meeting the needs of others.

Reid Hoffman: Passion Poppycock

passionate about this poppycock
dominic coulter

Hoffman seems to view following one's passion as a lofty, end-gaining, unrealistic career vision that will quickly become obsolete with our ever-fluctuating times. He alternately uses the more objective, dispassionate phrase, "flexibly consistent framework" to describe how we need to pursue careers.

While his point about fluidity certainly makes sense, I believe Hoffman's advice is best taken by first asking yourself, "What interests and abilities (and even passions!) are going to help me build a solid foundation upon which to build my framework?" Far from the vague and lofty question Hoffman rails against, this type of question is razor sharp.

Answering this potent question gives you self-confidence and a solid knowledge base from which you can adapt and thrive in ever-shifting work environments. It allows you to manage setbacks more efficiently and determine how you can best help in your profession. Moreover, you are then able to adjust your career goals as your passions, interests and needs change. 

Cal Newport: Plain Ole Vanilla Passion Doesn't Cut It

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In the same vein, Mr. Newport seems to suggest that conventional wisdom's version of "passion" equates to a pre-conceived fantasy, lacking authenticity until cultivated for several years.  He instead uses objective terms such as "deliberate practice" and "unifying mission" to tell us how to get to valuable, satisfying work, or "Passion 2.0."

Newport's method definitely has merit; however, it works best when a person first takes the time to ask themselves, "What do I need to deliberately practice, cultivate and care about in order to develop a unifying mission?" Even Newport himself, on his blog, Study Hacks, reveals in his bio that he has a need to "decode" (great verb, by the way!) overly simplistic conventions for success such as "follow your passion." Rather, he says he "dive[s] deeper, looking to decode underlying patterns of success, in all their nuanced glory."

"To nuzzle" is a good verb, don't you think?
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(That has to be one of my favorite bio's, by the way.)

We all have pre-existing passions, fascinations and/or proclivities, no matter what you want to call them. Everyone has something-a function, let's call it- that they feel a relentless need to do, like "decode" or "guide" or "illustrate." These are functions that energize us and often make us lose track of time. 

Of course, the way in which we express these needs will change over time.  We may lose interest in a subject area or we may find that we evolve out of performing our once-loved function into a more nuanced version.  Likewise, we may move into other roles that have lain dormant for a good while.

However, the essence of who we are, what we're naturally good at and therefore drawn to doesn't change. Good career guidance translates the need to do x or y or z into a sustainable career. It also provides the language and insight to help people articulate what they need to have in a career and why, before they determine how to get there. It gets you in the right field before you embark on the journey.

Which leads me to the conclusion of my series on passion:

Get in Your Game: Passion-filled or Otherwise


No matter how you view "passion", all of these methods work best once you figure out your foundation and what careers are in your playing field.

And when I hear my clients talk about wanting to follow their passion, I'm really hearing them say that they have a yearning that needs to be met, even though they can't quite articulate what that need or urge is yet.  

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Through career coaching, individuals eventually discover that this "passion" is actually something they are driven to do because of their natural talents and interests, so that's when they have to ask themselves the razor sharp, function-oriented questions that I detailed above.

The answers are complex and will evolve mostly with the trial and error knowledge that comes with going out and experiencing the world.  But that experience will be most efficient and useful if, once again, you have a solid sense of yourself and your general field of ability and potential expertise.

So honor your passion, if that's what you want to call it, discover your talents, find your playing field, and then...

PLAY BALL!

My Defense of Passion: Keep the Baby! (And Throw Out the Bathwater)

A Very Cute Baby, If I Do Say

The backlash against the simple mantra, "follow your passion" raises some very important concerns, as I detailed in my last post.  Cal Newport, Walter Isaacson and Reid Hoffman all point out that the phrase is not only idealistic and over-simplified, but also misleading in it's expectations of young people embarking on new careers.

However, I'd hate to think that, due to the onslaught of equally simplistic headlines to the tune of "Don't Follow Your Passion!" we would throw the baby out with the bathwater, so to speak, and forget the passion piece entirely.

(Because how can you throw out that sweet little angel baby above?  The cheeks alone are priceless!)

The media has certainly been trying to do just that, jumping into the "don't follow your passion" fray with typical gusto. The Huffington Post, for example, in a recent article titled, "Warren Buffet's Predictable Career Advice: Follow Your Passion," criticized the billionaire mogul when he told Forbes Magazine,

"I always tell college students to take the job that you would take if you were independently wealthy. You're going to do well at it."

Hmmm.... call me crazy, but that seems like sound career advice to me! And why not follow the wisdom of an 82 year old man who is one of the best investors and philanthropists in the world? Especially since he also speaks from experience, as someone who pursued his passion for finance from an early age.

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With all of this bad press, someone needs to come to passion's defense, don't you think?  And I suppose I'm the perfect person for the job, since I've been on both sides of the "follow your passion" fence.

I spent many years confused and frustrated because I couldn't figure out what passion to focus on in order to make a contribution.  That was very real to me, that hole I felt in my life. My identity and self-worth withered away while I struggled to find a direction to pursue. Had I read Newport's book during that period of time I would've hurled it out the window in frustration, yelling, "How can I use the 'craftsmen approach' when I know WHAT CRAFT to hone?!!"

Which is one of the many reasons why I contend that finding one's career passion- or passions, as the case may be- is one of those values that deserves preserving.

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Throw Out the Idealism, Keep the Introspection

These days, in today's shaky economic climate, the notion of allowing yourself some introspective time to discover your interests and then plan a corresponding course of action is a tough sell.

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(Trust me, I know. I have to sell it every day.)

Many in the older generations- especially parents who were looking forward to empty nests versus ones filled with little birdies coming back to roost (indefinitely)- tend to applaud the "forget about your passion" slogans.  They may, understandably, find it an answer to the current unemployment rate- currently nearing 12%- of the Millennial Generation.

In other words, "Forget about your what your so-called "calling" is and just get a #*@#$ job!"

However, if young people don't take any time to determine what motivates and fascinates them, they are going to end up like so many of my clients in their late 20's, 30's, 40's and 50's, who seek my help because they skipped on the introspection entirely and determined their careers by looking at the so-called "practical" elements: good money, industry outlook (think of any "Fastest Growing Careers!" article,) and perceived stability.

Trying to be practical, these individuals (yours truly included) ignored their passions and interests entirely, went for the quickest and "surest" bet they could find, and in turn found themselves unhappy or maybe even unemployed several months or years or even decades later. This is because they were unable to compete with colleagues who were a better fit for- and more interested in- their work.

What's more, after six months, or five years, or even 25 years (and perhaps thousands of dollars in student loans) the only thing they figured out was what doesn't suit them, rather than what does.

How practical is that?

I'm feeling quite passionate about this pie, actually.

I'll Take a Slice of Passion with a Side of Reality, Please...

So here are two main insights that I believe we can gain from this "Do-vs.-Don't-Follow-Your-Passion" career debate and still keep the passion portion in tact.

1. False Expectations are Bad Enough, but NO Expectations are Worse.

We need to prepare graduates for the fact that a career is not going to be fulfilling and chock full of passion right from the beginning.  Young career starters can't expect fulfillment to come without putting in ample time and hard work, as Newport shows us in his many examples.
He emphasizes the fairly common knowledge among seasoned professionals that the more effort we put into a career the more we will reap the rewards that come with those efforts.

But I believe there's an important distinction to be made between working hard at just any job versus one that's in our general field of interest and abilities. These elements give us the motivation day in and day out, and the competitive edge we need to succeed.

And that's one of the main problems we see in the workforce today: many people have no idea what to expect from themselves or their career, mainly because they have no idea what career field they should even be playing in. Will they really benefit from working hard to build what Newport calls "career capital" over the years if they're in the wrong field altogether?

In my experience, both personally and in working with clients, the answer is a resounding "no."

They will most likely gain nothing other than the presumed monetary rewards and increased responsibility, both of which will be short-lived if they don't excel at their job. Most importantly, even if those extrinsic rewards come about, that typically isn't enough to sustain them.

Bottom Line: Figure out your playing field, then get in the game, even it means you have to start by warming up the bench. Knowing you're in the right field motivates you to work hard, play hard and win.

2.  Houston: We Have a Word Problem

Photo credit: NASA

Another point Newport, Isaacson and Hoffman inadvertently bring up is a semantics problem that no one seems to include in the public discourse, and that is: we all view "passion" in a different way.

(Remember, we're talking about careers here, My Friend, so let's not allow our imaginations to get crazy!)

For some people, a passion drives them to make a difference in the world.  It's intense, and visceral, meaningful and, ultimately, personal. Most of my clients, for instance, use the term in describing their motivation to work hard, as do I.

(Heck, they may even throw around romantic terms such as "purpose" and "calling" in there too! Talk about craaaazzy!)

But some people don't relate to the word in the least.  It's way too touchy feely and dramatic for them and doesn't aptly describe how they see their work- no matter how much they enjoy it.

Take my sister, for example.  She is an advocate, gifted author and blogger for lupus awareness as well as an inventor of products that help people with chronic illnesses.  She motivates hundreds of people every day to keep going despite Lupus and their many other setbacks. (Can you tell I'm a proud sister?!)

But she never EVER uses the word "passion" to describe what she does for a living. That term is just not part of her vocabulary, being more of the Thinking than the Feeling Type.

While my sister is a fairly open-minded individual and can respect the passion other people feel  for their work, other individuals are a bit more, well, perplexed by the whole prospect. These are the people who tend to hear "follow your passion" and equate it with pure, unadulterated idealism.

"I love you, even though you're an ... well, you know."

Tell them that you're toying with the idea of following your passion and they'll assume you're going to:

1. Quit your job
2. Join an artist's commune in Oregon and
3. Prolifically engage in smoking a substance that, until November, was illegal in all 50 States.

(Oh, and clothing is probably optional at this freewheeling commune of yours.)

So, given these different perspectives, how do our headline-grabbing authors view passion?

Stay tuned until next time, when I shall reveal all in my concluding post, "49 1/2 Shades of Passion."

(I know, who writes these headlines??!)