Jeff Haden: What Does YOUR Success Look Like?

Inc. columnist, Jeff Haden, suggests we adopt a more individualized definition of success. This involves honestly assessing our happiness and recognizing that there are always personal and professional tradeoffs.

Oh, and there's a picture of a Golden Retriever.

What more could you ask for?

Enjoy,
Katie

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130314115932-20017018-the-best-definition-of-success-is-the-one-you-never-use?goback=%2Eptf_*1_*1_*1_*1_recentPosts_*1&trk=who_to_follow-b

What if you knew...

You had patience to spare?

Insights to offer?

What if you knew you you were enough to make a difference?

And were capable of creating really useful solutions? 

What would today look like?

The Thief

In the Oscar nominated film, Les Miserables, the amazing Hugh Jackman as Jean Valjean laments his cruel and unjust 20 year imprisonment, incurred merely for "stealing a mouthful of bread."

Given that testament, it's a good thing that my dog, Cloey Margaret, doesn't live in 19th century France.  She has stolen enough bread to warrant une guillotine sentence.

It's hard to admit that our lovely Golden (ahem) Angel has literally and figuratively taken the cake one too many times. What was just a once-in-a-while occurrence is now rampant. She's now officially a full blown thief, no doubt about it.

Yes, I'm talking about YOU!

From a loaf of bread to a carton of yogurt to turkey to fruit to butter (as well as the common butter substitute, Smart Balance) Cloey will scarf it down with aplomb. While we try our best to clear the counters as much as possible, life distractions inevitably happen, luring us away from the kitchen midway through making a ham sandwich or, say, Thanksgiving Dinner.  You better believe that The Thief is hanging around, paying close attention to any interruptions.

Besides snatching the unsuspecting muffin from the counter, she also chews toys- seasonal items in particular.  This past Christmas-and I'm not making this up- she plucked Baby Jesus out of the Little People manger scene.  (Fortunately I then plucked it out of her mouth.) Then she moved on to Santa and his hapless reindeer, followed by a futile attempt to gnaw off part of the Easter Bunny, who just happened to be hanging out with the Christmas gang.

How she always managed to select the holiday superstars I'll never know.

Anything made of wood is especially fair game. Lincoln Logs are carefully stored in a sealed container; however, she's pretty much cleared out our entire United States puzzle.  While South Dakota didn't phase me too much, I was almost personally offended when she chewed up my home state of Indiana.

But that's just the mischief happening in the house; she's decided that our yard is fair game as well.  She'll chew several nuggets of pine bark mulch if we're not paying attention, not to mention the kid's multi-hued sidewalk chalk and a ball... or two or three.

Obviously we have realized that enough is enough.  After all, not only is her habit an issue of inconvenience for us, we understand it could be dangerous for her.  While she doesn't swallow most of the stuff she chews, what if she accidentally did?  And there's always a chance that she'll get one too many Hershey Kisses when raiding the kid's Halloween bags, or Christmas Stockings, or, coming up right around the corner, Easter Baskets. Therefore we must now acknowledge, much to our dismay, that Cloey Margaret is not quite as perfect as we'd made her out to be in our minds.

However, before reaching this conclusion, I'll admit that I'd gone through every plausible excuse for these chewing fests. For a while there I fancied myself as some sort of animal behavioralist/detective (think The Dog Whisperer meets Ace Ventura: Pet Detective) trying to solve The Baffling Case of the Perpetual Munchies.

My first hunch involved a hunger or nutritional issue.  As in, are we not feeding her enough?  Our veterinarian- who also happens to be a trusted friend and seasoned doctor- said that no, she is getting just the right amount of the right kind of food. Then I thought, well, maybe she's not getting enough exercise and she's just bored. However, sure enough, I noticed that she stole food and chewed up random things even after coming back from long walks or playing in the yard.

Then at one point I postulated that perhaps she chews toys, for example, when we're all having fun and she isn't getting enough attention.  But that theory proved a bust when I discovered that she was chewing a toy car in her mouth while I was petting her. Her bone lay there just a few feet away, untouched, while she surreptitiously crushed the jeep into scrap metal.

Cloey, shown here making some good chewing choices

I kept coming up with more reasons as to why my precious lamb was eating, chewing and scarfing her way through our house with increasing gusto.  Separation anxiety? Dominance issues?  Obsessive Compulsive Disorder? Some disease of the neurological-hormonal-hematological-vascular nature? Her doctor refuted all of my stellar theories, saying that no, she is a Golden Retriever who loves to eat and chew and is tall enough to get what she wants, which is food from the counter. She also pointed out that Cloey's definition of "food source" seems to be broader than ours.  (Picky humans!)

Now, I would be kidding myself if I didn't factor in the sucker piece of all of this thievery business: Cloey knows she has us wrapped around all four of her paws. It's as if she feels she had passed the probationary period of her adoption and now she can eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants, knowing she is here to stay. And that assumption, of course, would be correct; our adorable, furry baby is going nowhere except in her crate: a nice, big, comfy cozy "home." We've concluded this will happen when we're away from the house for a little while or away from the kitchen or whenever we decide that she needs a little break from the chewing action. And who knows, she'll probably like that anyway, having boundaries and restraints and all.

(That's about as "pack leader" as I think I can get.)

The reason I am disclosing the shenanigans of our resident thief is this: sometimes an excuse is just an excuse. We can spend many an hour constructing elaborate excuses about a person or job situation or a beloved pet; however, most of the time we're spending lots of energy masking that big old reality that needs to be accepted.

In this case, we've had to accept that not only do we have a wonderful and loving Golden Retriever who is not as flawless as we'd once thought, but also one that has the oral fixation of a goat.  And if you had a goat, you certainly wouldn't let it roam freely in your home when you are gone now, would you? Time to accept this fact and move on, I'm guessing.

We can all stand to question relationships and job environments or anything that seems to keep us in a rut. The more we deny, ignore or excuse a problem the more destructive it's going to get.  And yet we tend to spend more time rationalizing behavior rather than doing the necessary steps to prevent it.

Conversely, when we modify or abandon a destructive relationship or stand up to the critical issues at hand, we empower ourselves to move forward instead of backward. And sometimes just the acknowledgement alone can be half the battle, followed by some boundary-setting.

So here's my question of the day:

If you took away the notion that something- or someone- isn't as perfect as you'd once imagined, what would change? Could you move forward? 

I'm guessing you could. 

And I'm personally crossing my fingers that we can put a stop to Cloey's shenanigans before Cesar Millan gets our number... and puts us all in la guillotine.

Brene Brown: The Power of Vulnerability

Click below to hear this gem of a presentation.  Remarkable words of wisdom from Brene Brown, author, professor, and self-described storyteller/researcher.

Enjoy!
-Katie

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

Freedom From Perfection

"Well, you have suffered enough

And warred with yourself

It's time that you won."

                                 -Glen Hansard, "Falling Slowly"

                         from the Once soundtrack

In case you were wondering, which you probably weren't but you'll hear about it anyway, there are always backstories to the stories that I post here.  There's the wondering if I should post x, y or z to the general public.  There's the factor of someone from high school (who I was always trying to impress) reading about how I now have one eye that crosses in and a right knee to go along with it.  There's the chance that someone to whom I normally wouldn't divulge ANY personal information is now reading about how I've had my self-esteem in the gutter and have recently become concerned in the summer about my ailing bikini body.

Before posting my recent pumping iron with old people post, I had my husband read it first.  I was actually just asking him to see if I was being offensive to older individuals. He didn't think so; in fact, he liked the post. But, as I was turning to leave the conversation he added, "if you don't mind telling everyone all that stuff about you."

And do you know how I responded, quite definitively in fact?

"Actually, I don't."

Revealing these flaws is my way of slowly freeing myself from the perfect image that I have, for years, tried to sustain.  I am gradually crawling out of that cocoon of hiding my once (seemingly) fatal flaws and am now just becoming me, in all of my imperfections.  I can laugh at the chinks in my armor, versus berating myself for having them. God knows they just keep accruing every year!

I'm not saying I never wear makeup or nice clothes, or never worry about how I look or sound or act.  (I'm not perfect at showing my imperfections, after all.) But I am feeling free to reveal more vulnerability, because that is what everyone needs.  We crave honesty from others.  We need to be reminded that we are not supposed to be the airbrushed image in the magazines and online. We all have- or will have- dark circles and blemishes, wrinkles and age spots. And they don't have to be surgically corrected for us to be presentable.

We don't have all the answers and sometimes feel like we know nothing about anything.  And that's just reality, not something to hide or be ashamed of.

As for our personalities, we need to have some of our "shortcomings" and "flaws" re-imagined as gifts.  Whether we're talkative or quiet, imaginative or realistic, emotion-centered vs. fact-centered, open-ended or orderly, we need to remember that, when channeled well, these traits are beneficial and even vital to making the world go round.

Vulnerability.  Freedom from perfection.

Isn't that a great place to start?

Margaret Young: In Order of Importance

"Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier. 

The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want."

-Margaret Young, Vaudeville Comedienne, 1920's Jazz Singer  

Pumping Iron with Old People

Did your mother ever tell you, "Young Lady (or Man,) you need a serious attitude adjustment!"

Mine did, and, in truly redundant fashion, I now say the same exact thing to my kids.  You'd think I'd come up with something a bit more creative, but, alas no.

It's just a vicious cycle, My Friend.

I'll admit, however, that there have been many instances in adulthood where I could have used my mother's admonishment to change my attitude.  Because sometimes I forget that I am indeed "coppin' an a," as those of us 40 plussers used to say in the 80's.

(We were sooooo cool, Dude!!)

One recent instance of an attitude in need of adjustment was my work out situation.  This past summer, as I lamented the demise of my bikini figure, I was also undergoing physical therapy on my knees.  (Yup.  Both of them.)  Due to the fact that my right knee naturally turns ever-so-slightly inward, kind of like my right eye that ever-so-slightly crosses inward, (and no, that doesn't mean that I inadvertently just go around in circles) my body became really out of alignment.  And that, in turn, meant that both of my knees would hurt every time I ran or did certain exercises.  Which then meant that I had to figure out how to work out in a way that benefitted my knees, my health and my schedule.  (Oh yes, and my ailing bikini bod.)

So, when my physical therapist told me that running for more than a mile was unwise, I decided immediately that I was totally screwed.  That was my main form of exercise, after all. But, not one to give up on my situation so easily, my therapist then asked me if I belonged to a gym so I could weight train and use the elliptical machine, which would help my strength and alleviate my knee pain. No Siree, I proclaimed right then and there. No way was I going to join the nearby exclusive gym!  I'd joined a similar one a couple of times before and I always felt like it was just too far away and a waste of time and money given the exorbitant initial membership fee and monthly rates. All for the sake of a hip vibe.

And that was the end of that discussion. Although I didn't exactly sulk out of my last appointment and was outwardly grateful for the help she'd given me, I did harrumpf a little to myself.  I grumbled about how, now that I was getting older, my body just couldn't handle the simplest of things, like running.

Like I said, totally screwed- for life.

Fast forward a month later.  I don't know when it hit me, but I suddenly remembered an option I had that I'd always dismissed: the recreation center.  It was only five minutes away.  It had really good machine weights, an elliptical, plus classes. And you don't need to pay a membership fee!  Why, oh why, didn't I think of that sooner, I wondered.

But in actuality I knew the answer to that question.  I'd dismissed the notion many years earlier because I didn't want to work out in a nondescript place with a bunch of old people, since that's who mainly goes to the rec center gym.  It's completely ridiculous I know.  Talk about coppin' a 'tude!

However, now that I've changed my attitude I've discovered there are so many benefits, besides saving money, to working out in the community rec center with old people.  Now, let me just clarify that by "old" I mean 80's and above.  (Because, at age 42, you've got to be careful about who you're calling old.) In fact, I'm actually working out at the rec center quite a bit now, especially since the weather is so cold.  I won't say I'm quite ready for bathing suit season, but I'm getting there!

So what are the benefits, you might well ask, of working out with the twilight generation? Here are my top five reasons:

1. I can wear reading glasses while on the elliptical and not feel embarrassed.

I actually wear them to read because of my slightly converging right eye problem, not because of an aging vision problem, but still, no one there judges me. It's possible they can't see me very clearly from where they are sitting five feet away, but that's neither here nor there.

2. These old people are clean!

When the signs say, "please wipe down your machine after every use" they actually DO IT.  This results not only in fewer germs but also in no smell, which I can definitely appreciate.

Of course, there doesn't seem to be a ton of sweating going on either, so I'm sure that contributes to the fresh air. Which leads me to...

3. No grunting, egregious panting, or other outrageously loud noises interrupt my workout. 

No one appears to be going for the gold as far as pumping iron is concerned. If someone starts grunting I'd actually call an ambulance.

4. I get to hear about the latest offerings on PBS.

Masterpiece Theatre and the like are all the buzz at this gym. Thankfully no one has spilled the beans on Downton Abbey, since I remain most pitifully on Season One.

5. I feel quite young, trim and athletic.

Of course, I try to overlook the fact that it's all relative.  After all, I'm using the leg press next to Millie, who just turned 90 and is more interested in discussing her needlepoint project than in burning calories. (Truly, I am not making that up.) But heck, she's 90 and she's in a gym!  I think that's awesome.


So there you have it. I solved a big problem by making a slight adjustment in my attitude.

Which begs the question: if you adjusted your attitude about certain things, what could you accomplish?